All the things taking a gap year makes you hate about 18 year olds

“No, taking loads of drugs does not make you cool”


As a young 18 year old fresh out of school, my place at Durham secure, I had a sad moment of realisation. I wasn’t ready to spend the next three years at dinner parties and going to bed a 12 telling myself that I will make it to Newcastle next week. What was to follow was a disjointed rejection letter to Durham and a shady copy and pasted UCAS application. The Gap year was decided; ski season, interrailing and self discovery in South America.

A year later I arrived at uni, self-discovery complete. I arrived having drunk most of the fuck boy out of me to be greeted by an army of drinking virgins. Freshers week was like watching rats on crack as each flat member tried to find a rung on the social ladder. This pissed me off, here is why.

Stop teasing me about my year off

Hahaha hilarious Noah, if doing an impression of the posh kid saying “gap yah” wasn’t old in 2012 by now it should be as extinct as 10p Freddos. Yes I told one story about my Ski season and yes it involved drinking, this doesn’t mark the chance to mock the fact that while I was skiing in some French resort you were sitting in a class room in Southampton thinking about how to stop yourself from getting an erection every time a girl spoke to you.

Let me tell my hilarious story in peace and stop mocking me.

Why can’t you handle your drink?

No, Chloe I am not going to leave you in a pile of rubbish bins in a street of Birmingham despite your claims that you are sober and just need a little rest. You have spent the last 30 minutes swaying towards Rainbow Venues with me propping you up and yet are still convinced that you are completely sober.

Or Eleanor, as much as I am a supportive friend that doesn’t mean you can use me as a crutch every time you get too drunk and need to get home from POP. I am not one who strays away from the old beverage and am far from perfect but what is it with 18 year-olds and ruining nights out with uncontrollable drunken antics?

Stop overthinking every text and relationship

Oh my God Lucca I could not care less that Juan has not replied for 30 minutes despite you only waiting 15. Does he like you? I really don’t know or care, but maybe if instead of using an atomic clock to time your replies you just were a little more honest and open then this problem could be avoided.

And no his sexy Spanish accent doesn’t make him any less likely to fuck you over.

Not quite cheating on your boyfriend from home is still not okay

“I just gave him my number”. Okay so what was the point in that? I do not understand why 18 year-olds think its acceptable to be seeing someone and then be using Tinder on the side. If you want to see other people then dump him, if not stop giving your number to every random person in Smack who smiles at you. And don’t say it’s not cheating, if you’re giving other people your number you can’t be that happy with the one you’ve got.

Getting with a loads of guys/girls doesn’t make you a legend

Wow Sam you got with six girls in one night, no way, I hope the three viruses and mouth herpes leave you as quickly as that last girl. No, this is not legendary especially when you return home alone once again £40 lighter after all those drinks you bought girls. Maybe if every Friday you didn’t turn into the Neon merry-go-round people would be more willing to stick around.

The amount of drugs you take does not determine how cool you are

No way Grace you went to Bristol and took Ket? You have just moved exactly three places up in my cool rankings above that girl who once took half a pill of MDMA. You did drugs; doesn’t make you cooler or better than anyone else so stop telling everyone.

Stop trying so hard to impress people

Yes Uni is a place where you can reinvent yourself but putting on rolled up trousers that show a little bit of your white socks doesn’t suddenly turn you into James Dean. I am not against people wearing what they want but stop doing it because you want to be cool or want to impress someone. Becoming Vegan Sabina is not going to get the Rag President to ditch his girlfriend for you so stop trying to so hard to impress everyone.

But admittedly, despite all of this, I have a great time with you guys so I guess I do love you really!