How to pretend that you’re nailing final year

Ah, final year. The most terrifying experience of your entire university career, serving as an upsetting reminder that ‘Unay’ is no longer the time of your life you were once promised.

Everybody is incessantly asking you about job apps, complaining about their dissertations, and then some people, the soul-sucking kind, are bragging about their latest job offer in a ridiculously high paying investment bank.

No time to go home to sleep cos the library is home now

If you, like me, also have no clue what to do with your life, then the ultimate key is to at least pretend like you know what you’re doing. Trust me, this makes it a lot easier to not panic about your lack of future.

Use the phrase “I basically live in the library now”

The only way to prove you go to the library is by constantly reminding people that you go there.

Don’t forget to specifically use the word “live” to highlight that your final year experience is just as terrible as everybody else’s, and to remind them that you are also in a perpetual state of studying.

Find every single way to bring up your “diss” in conversation

Make sure you mention the #dissertation whenever you can, in order to prove that you’ve got your shit together. “Omg, that’s exactly what I’m discussing in my dissertation” – said nobody ever. You’ve got to be more creative guys.

See somebody you vaguely know in the coffee queue? “Yeah just taking a break from the diss life haha”.

Can’t make that exec meeting? “Sorry guys diss lol”. 

Procrastinating on FB and see a relevant meme? “Omg @Lucy this is exactly how I feel about my diss rn”.

Dissertation life

Tell people you’re “taking a break from nights-out”

No more alcohol, no more fun, no more life – not sure if you know, but it’s final year. Time to knuckle down pal. You really can’t afford to go out and then lose the next day because you’re hungover – after all, every second is precious when you’re in final year.

But obviously you’ll still go out. You can equally use your weekly night out as the “break from the diss” excuse.

Irrationally cry every so often

Well this will be nice and easy, you big mess, you.

Crying into your laptop helps

Generally complain about final year

“Eugh I’m so stressed/drained/tired/in need of caffeine/in need of a break”. You know the drill.

Learn some obscure information that makes you look great

For example, the last time for buses leaving from campus. That way, when people ask, you can tell them you know for a fact that 11.45pm is the latest you can leave, as you get that final bus most days. Because, dissertation.

Hate the freshers for no reason

“Why are they even in the library, when their year doesn’t count?!” said every finalist ever. We’ve somehow decided to erase it from our memories that we were actually keen fresh in first year ourselves, who took out ten books a week and hogged all the seats on floor three.

Mark yourself as interested in careers and networking events on Facebook

How will anyone actually know that you didn’t go? At least this way people think you went. And if that doesn’t make you successful my friend, I don’t know what will.

Other key vocabulary you may need to employ

Diss – (see above).

Apps – Applications

Assessment centre/numerical/verbal reasoning – the dreaded tests you do once you get through to the first round of job apps

Commercial – depending on how much of a dickhead you are.

Networking – again, usually corresponds with how much of a dickhead you are.

LinkedIn – the perfect networking tool, where the more connections you have, the more you look like you’ve got your shit together.

Reassure your parents that you’re fine

Mummy and Daddy want you to do really great. What Mummy and Daddy don’t know won’t hurt them. If you can pass off this charade onto your parents successfully, then you have successfully pretended to smash final year.

Good luck with facing reality, folks. Here’s hoping the final year fear doesn’t get us too deep.