The ultimate guide to being a stereotypical Warwick student

Seeing as we have recently welcomed our new crop of freshers, we thought it was time to provide a guide to being every Warwick student ever.

Freshers think that the university experience will make them ‘unique’, but after a year of living on campus, all Warwick students end up being alike.

Live in Rootes like you mean it

Your kitchen must be at least this messy

Regress to a child-like state. Do not ever clean. Throw milk and curry sauce all over the floor and vomit in the sink. Wait for it to go rancid. Roll around in it.

Get rejected from Oxford or Cambridge

Almost all of us tried and failed to win ourselves a place at those two prestigious universities. It is essential that you moan about being rejected from your choice institution perpetually. Bitterness is essential.

Smoke and drink on the Piazza steps

An example of the consequences of drinking on the Piazza steps

Buy a 12.5 gram of Golden Virginia, roll it badly, sit on the steps and try and convince passers by that you’re a hardened smoker.

When there’s something worth watching on the Piazza Screen, buy a few cans of K Cider, drink them, and then scatter them in the immediate area. Throw up in the bin near the ramp to the SU.

The Terrace Bar

That time they gave out selfie sticks.

Buy two economically priced pitchers at 5pm. Drink it, and then enjoy the incredibly bumpy ride to Leamington on the U1 whilst trying not to vomit.

Insist that you’re in a Safe Space

You’re at Warwick; no one has a right to offend you. Throw it back at them if you get offended. Marvel at how hypocritical you can be.

Hog computer spaces in the library

This chap managed two at once

Laugh at Coventry students

Oh their tiny little minds! Could they even get a third in your Thermo module?

Well, yes, they probably could. They’re still at university and Engineering at Cov really isn’t that bad.

Purple

At Pop, on the U1, in the Library, in MS02, in the shower. Purple is the drink for every occasion.

Join a sports club and wear your club stash everywhere

Meanwhile, in Kelsey’s

Now you’ve gone to two taster sessions, you’re a fully fledged sportsman. Now it’s time to let everyone on campus know that you’re a part of something bigger than your degree. Fail first year and blame it on your commitment to the club for added effect.

Circle with your club, and chunder spectacularly

Pretend you can easily manage twelve pints before a night out. Neck four of them, run off and throw up on/in anything that isn’t a toilet. Blame it on your hangover from the ‘massive sesh’ you had last night. Get laughed at by the social secs.

Fall in love with downstairs Smack

And fall over in downstairs Smack.

Have a strange reverence for campus

At the end of the day, it can be quite beautiful.