Every person you’ll meet at a Warwick house party tonight

It’s a Friday night. Neon queue jumps are all sold out. That house party which only has five people clicking attending looks like your best bet. It seems like you’re going to be spending your Friday night (as ever) with these lot.

The stoner who tells you why weed needs to be legalised

Those earthy vibes

Switch wasn’t on tonight, so you’re blessed with their presence. Yes Johnny, legalising weed makes sound economic and moral sense. No Johnny, it’s not fair. Yes Johnny, the libertarian thing to do would be to give people a choice. No Johnny, I haven’t seen the economic impact in Colorado. Johnny, please shut the fuck up and give me your lighter.

The one you’re worried is developing a severe alcohol problem

When the alcohol hits you

It wouldn’t be a house party if they weren’t there. Clutching their signature bottle of Tesco value Vodka you begin to wonder if they have ever actually experienced sobriety. You’ve never actually seen them on campus, or in the daylight come to think of it (unless stumbling out of Kelsey’s at the crack of dawn counts). While their love of booze was all a laugh at the beginning, by Week 6 you’re worrying if they’re actually okay. You secretly pray for their liver every night.

The one in a turtleneck smoking rollies and talking about Camus

No, I haven’t read Nausea, Simon.

The BNOC

All praise thou holy BNOC

That guy. They mentioned they were free this Friday and that’s basically the whole reason this house party was thrown. While the alcohol in the fridge is strictly off limits to us plebs, for them it’s an open bar. But you can’t really hold it against them, after all their Facebook page is the only evidence you have to prove to your friends at home that Warwick isn’t the saddest and ugliest university in the country. And yes, you shall be boasting for the next week about how you attended the same party and breathed the same oxygen, even if you never actually talked to them.

Nige

Celebrate that pay check hun.

The PDA couple who need to get a fucking room

Couldn’t find a boy willing to take a picture with me, so…

We get it: you’re in love. But if you planned to spend your whole night making out why did you even come to this house party? Of course they’ve taken up the whole sofa to whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears. Just like they’ll be sure to take up all the sofas in the library on Monday morning. You secretly wonder if the only reason they’re here is to make the rest of us singletons feel bad. If they even dare to dance to Beyoncé’s Single Ladies you might just throw the biggest hissy fit known to man.

Who are you mate?

If you see this face, run

No one knows who they are. No one knows where they came from. They’re usually about 20 years older than the average guest, and have obviously never attended a 9am lecture in L3. They’re the enigmas of the West Midlands, the Leamington Locals. They’re the reason you drag your male flatmates with you when you’re craving a cheeky Vialli’s after 9pm. The sad truth is despite this, they still seem to attend more student parties than you ever have or will.

The super concerned housemate

He just wanted to eat his sandwich in peace

It’s their house. They were against throwing this party from the beginning. And boy do they let everyone know it. They’ve got a deadline for two weeks time, and going to bed an hour later than usual just might destroy their whole degree, or so they say. Yes, they’ve counted the number of beers in the fridge, so don’t even think about it. Shit, is that red wine on the carpet? Oh well, it’ll come out their deposit.

The one who just uses it as pres for Smack

Fuck off Sam.

The creeper

Not enough alcohol in the world

Oh no. They’re back. They’ve tried it on with around 99.9 per cent of your friends, and tonight it looks like it’s your turn. The free drinks they desperately supply you with are a plus, so long as you’ve already decided the code word with your friends to come and rescue you. Hey, at least in their company single life doesn’t seem so bad. Just make sure to turn off your last seen on WhatsApp when they inevitably blow up your phone the next day asking if you fancy dinner at Xananas.

Library bae

Probably not a good idea to tie them up

Shit. He’s here. But be honest: he’s the reason you’re at this party in the first place. Your ideal Friday night isn’t trekking all the way down to South Leamington in the pouring rain, but as soon as they clicked interested on the Facebook event you were sold. You’ve missed your 5pm lecture for that crucial extra hour of getting ready to see them, and you think you just might have a mental breakdown if they don’t acknowledge how perfectly you’ve curled your hair or how for the first time this year you’ve ironed the shirt you’re wearing. It’s all worth it though – give it 10 years and you could be talking about love at sight at a grim house party on your wedding day. Either that or they don’t even say hello to you all night and it’s back to imagining what could’ve been as you read On Liberty in the library.