Every person you have on Facebook right now

We’ve all got friends who fit into categories on Facebook. See how many of these beasts you can spot in the wild.

Grandma

“Emma. You    look lovely in. the pictures. Keep healthy  Love youx”

Grandma posts this to as a status thinking its your wall and you love her more than ever.

The social justice warrior

Look Ed, we know you want to change the world from your keyboard, and that’s all really admirable. But it’s actually really hard to go vegan, donate to charity, adopt a child, cycle everywhere, donate to charity, sign your petition and watch Blackfish all at the same time. The harrowing photos of suffering puppies and famine are worthy causes, but Steven Avery is just about to go to trial on Making a Murderer atm. Maybe I’ll post a petition about that later as a compromise, yeah?

The one who deliberately replies to comments on their profile picture two days late so it pops up on everyone’s feed again and gets more likes but is the next day is changed to a previous picture that gets even more likes only to then swap back and the cycle continues

Yeah, we know what you’re doing.

The politically aware guy who might not actually  be that politically aware

Perhaps the most annoying person on Facebook. Whenever something slightly contentious is in the news, expect a rambling, out of control, multi-paragraphed rant about it featuring the words “colonialism” and “hegemony” from these self-appointed politicians.

The ‘just got through to the third round of Lloyds grad scheme interview :D’ pre-professional

But you never see them post about being rejected, do you?

The obsessive selfie poster

Often posts picture of their face with a totally unrelated caption or no information at all. The obsessive selfie posters may post selfies purely to commemorate the time of year, such as Christmas (though these images are unlikely to have anything remotely festive in them) as well as for minor life events such as going shopping or studying.

Mum

FFS MUM PLEASE STOP LIKING ALL MY PHOTOS YOU’RE RUINING MY CAREFULLY CURATED ONLINE IMAGE.

The promoter who invites you to // D I R T Y S E X Y P E O P L E \\ in Falmouth every week

OK, these guys can be useful. They’re the main reason you remembered to buy a queue jump from Smack and didn’t ruin your night, and the inspiration for an impromptu night out. Their friends list puts your entire friendship group’s to shame. But God are they annoying. Will going to see DJ Kelbz in Watford at Oceana on Monday night really “change my life” – even with the distinct possibility of a foam cannon? Think I’ll give it a miss, Simon.

The one who always tags their mates in LadBible videos

“@johnny we’ve got to do this mate”

The one running a never-ending marathon

Sorry Phoebe, I’d love to donate but spent my last fiver on chicken wings after Smack last night.

The keyboard warrior

***YOU FUCKING WHAT MATE I’LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND FUCK YOU UP YA MUG***

Though rarely spotted in the real world, these gentle warriors get all angsty and threatening online over the most innocuous things. They’re the weird, quiet ones at school who have years of pent up frustration for which they have finally found an outlet. They start arguments for no apparent reason and are usually totally nonsensical.

The one always on holiday

Jenni, you’ve already been to Italy, Sweden and Verbier since November, so how the fuck can you afford to go to Cuba now?

The over sharer

For some reason, you feel like your problems are so massive a part of your life that they deserve to be a part of everyone else’s. Have you heard of group chats? It’s where your close friends can unite to help you through the fourth break up this month – somewhere that doesn’t bother the 300 other people who you have on Facebook, including your ex, your nan, and your boss. Think before you post, people.

The one who always posts ‘lost phone, new number: 07794HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP LOSING YOUR PHONE?

The worst.

The weird guy at school who posts increasingly right wing statuses about Syria and immigrants

You haven’t seen these “friends” since Year 10 PE, but keep them anyway solely to cheer you up when you feel down. Their  sheltered, monotonous, mildly racist and generally awful existence reminds just you how far you’ve come.

The one with the perfect life

We get it. You’ve just bagged the PWC grad job, your boyfriend of three years is moving in with you, and your brows are on fleek. Well done. I’m super, super happy for you. But when I’m in bed with a tub of Everyday Value vanilla and getting fucked by deadlines, I don’t need to see your adorable selfies. Stop being so selfish and pander to me.

The ‘perfect’ couple

It’s double trouble. Both of your lives are perfect, and again, couldn’t be happier. But my last Tinder match asked me if I was up for a threesome before he knew whether I was even a real person. And really, can your life be that good? When was the last time you stayed out till Kasbah closed? I thought so.

The ghost

This one never posts anything. You haven’t heard from them since they tentatively came to Smack in Freshers’ and worry they’re stilled hold up in their room, scared to come out after that fateful night. They’re sometimes tagged in posts and old pictures, but really you wonder if they’re still alive.

The couple who fight all the time

At the other end of the spectrum – it’s you guys. While having to watch the dream couple fall ever more in love is excruciating, watching the re-enactment of the most predictable fight of all time repeat itself every three days is worse. Especially when as soon as anyone comments some sympathy you tell them to butt out and mind their own business. You’re aware Facebook updates are there for others to see right?

The hometown friend who always moans about their shit boss

Good luck for your new job in New Look Michelle hun xoxoxo

The instant-liker

You post a selfie (albeit a bloody good one), and seconds later a notification pops up. How did they see it? Do they live on Facebook? Are they in love with you? Toeing the line between creepy and cute, they are perhaps the most dedicated to their role on Facebook, constantly waiting for that crucial new update to like and comment on.

The one who likes EVERYTHING

“Like if you agree”. “Like to show your support”. Or the more retro “Like for like xoxo”. They, and all variations thereof, can be found on anyone’s profile from 10-year-olds to 70-year-olds who don’t know the difference between Messenger and statuses. The need for likes overtakes social shame, and they end up begging. It’s the empty charity can of the internet, but without the good cause behind it.

The one who is ALWAYS losing odds

First Alex lost one eyebrow. Then the other. Then he got a tattoo of the rugby crest on his arse. Now he’s bald. Alex, just stop playing odds on mate.

The chain poster

Another online cry for attention, this Facebook addict will exclusively post answers to questions no-one cares about, or tag people in emotional shows of support for animals or orphans (regardless of how helpful these actually are). But your bored in the library and somehow find yourself reading through every answer to their favourite colour or first childhood pet. These people have clung on to the Facebook traditions of the 12-year-old – but it sort of works in their own weird, creepy way.

The cringe drunk poster

“fhefwehj – jfwejk!” Add selfie which is clearly in a bathroom and mostly naked, and you’ve got your perfect drunken post. Just to prove what a baller you are, you’ll probably leave in a few spelling mistakes to enhance the drunken spectacle. For extra lulz, comment in the morning about what a mess you are, and how you’re never gonna drink again. Good job, babe.

The high flyer who documents all their amazing achievements

Oh, you’ve just finished your essay Annabelle? You got a first on your Postcolonial Literature module did you? How lovely. You’ve been pulling an all nighter in the library? Please, share it with us some more. Ah, your seminar leader commended your brilliant point in your seminar? Congrats – I’m sure you’ll get a virtual pat on the back from your even more virtual friends. I’m blinded by your glory.

The spiritual one

MJ was always a bit odd at school, getting stoned and never turning up to Maths. But no one could predict he’ll go all namaste and upload sincere statuses raps about “divine intervention” and “feeling blessed” about the “cosmic circulation flowing through all beings man”. U ok hun?

The ‘interested’ guy

In the age of mass events for everything from vintage fairs to club nights, people can find an event for anything and everything on Facebook. And God forbid they should suffer from MOFO – best to just hit “Interested” for everything, even when fully aware they’ll be backpacking in Egypt whilst the Big Freshers Challenge for 2016 is going on. I mean, did you even go to uni if you didn’t sign up to every event in the surrounding 10 miles?

The charity challenger

So, their friends have tagged them in a post and now they are obliged to share five pictures that make them smile, or of their dog, their favourite food, or throwing some ice or a condom over their head. These “challenges” over the only time they appear, but when it happens there’s no escape as they beat every other Facebook user in the competition to clog your news feed.

The one whose old statuses and pictures are dragged up by their mates

You have to feel a bit sorry for these helpless souls who become victims of their own naivety. Friends ruthlessly stalk through their timeline and takes them on a brutal nostalgia trip, unearthing the first profile picture or status from Year 8 about “losing the game” and incessantly liking and commenting for all the world to see and laugh at. Savage.