Things to avoid doing on the U1

It’s the one place where we all come together as one in the most miserable fashion. Whether you’re an engineer or a lawyer, a physicist or an artist, all are equal on this interminably long journey. But to avoid making the U1 trek even more unpleasant than it has to be, follow these commandments, and you might make it out unscathed.

Vomiting on yourself 

In hindsight don’t get on the bus and definitely don’t tweet about it

It’s the morning after the night before which was a Smack Tuesday and you’ve woken up for your 9am feeling as fresh as a daisy. However, this is because you’re still drunk and in your intoxicated stupor you make the bad decision to get the U1 to campus. You somehow manage to get yourself ready for the day of lectures ahead of you (although how ready can one be when still wearing last night’s makeup?) and stagger out of the house to the bus stop.

Somewhere between the church and the university bus interchange, something takes a turn for the worse and you realise getting on this bus was a worse decision than spending £16,000 on rebranding the university with two “burnt aubergine” triangles.

At this point you have to make a choice: vomit on yourself and wear your shame for the rest of the journey to university and the immediate return home, or vomit on the person next to you, causing a scene and making a new nemesis.

In future, maybe just pop a Rennie and go back to bed.

Opening windows

Winter: the most wonderful time of the year. And nothing screams “festive spirit” like waiting 20 minutes in the rain for the U1 to turn up and spending another 40 on the top deck of a leaking bus, cursing the fact you not only chose to make this journey, but you’re also paying Stagecoach £297 a year for the privilege.

While you might be damp, at least you had the foresight to wear loads of layers and you’ll probably be warm in no time, right? Wrong. Some idiot at the front of the bus decided the only way to improve the journey was to crack a window while the bus hurtles down the dual carriageway at 60mph. Clearly the only way to improve death by frostbite is to add the deafening sound of a tiny tornado.

Attempting to get on a single decker bus at 5pm

If only the bus was always this empty

You just got out of your last lecture and you’re tired. All you want to do is to get on the U1, put your headphones in and take a nap on the shoulder of the unfortunate stranger you sit next to. However when you get to the sports centre bus stop the crowd waiting for the bus is massive. But that’s okay: this happens everyday – Stagecoach knows there’ll be more people waiting at this time and will probably send two buses at once to deal with the increased demand. Oh how naive you are.

An already half-full single decker bus turns up and you have to ask yourself: is it worth even trying to get on? The answer is always no. At first you try to weasel your way to the front using your elbows, but your bag gets stuck between two people behind you and you’re trapped. Next you decide to just let the crowd take you – you’ll get on if there’s room, and you’ll wait if not. Somehow you’re pushed to the side and you end up with your face smushed up against the bus window, slowly being yanked along against the cold, dirty glass. Finally you make it to the front, get on, and get shouted at by the bus driver because the bus is already full and stepping foot onto his U1 is apparently a straight up disrespect.

Why did you even try?

Eating food which smells

We’ve all been there: your first lecture isn’t until 1pm and you haven’t had lunch yet, but the idea of eating another sad cheese and wilted, week-old lettuce sandwich really isn’t cutting it. So you do what any frugal student would and bag yourself a 7-inch pizza for £1 from Sicilian’s before getting the U1 straight to uni, enjoying your lunch on the way. However don’t be surprised when everyone else seems to hate you.

Maybe they’re on a diet and the smell of your delicious food is putting them on the brink of a meltdown style binge, or they’re a vegetarian and the grease from the trio of meat toppings on your pizza is igniting the rage of a vegetarian activist within them, or maybe they’re just hungover and smelling your food is putting them at serious risk of breaking the golden rule of being on a bus: don’t vomit on yourself.

Whatever the reason, the outcome is always the same; no one wants to smell your food. So don’t be bringing it on the U1 and expecting no one to shoot you looks so dirty they have to raise the age rating on this journey to 18.

Putting your bag on the seat next to you

Sorry this seat is taken, can’t you see it’s bae chillin next to me?

It’s a Monday morning and, as per, the bus is really full. You decide to hit up the top deck because you’re a badass and low and behold there’s one free seat. But as you walk over, praising the Lord that you don’t have to stand like a peasant for the entire journey, you notice the seat isn’t actually free. No, the person in the seat next to it decided their bag is more important than another human life.

You both know you’ll ask them to move their bag. You both know they’ll have to. So why did they bother in the first place? Did they genuinely believe they’d get away with this? Or is it some kind of sick power trip? Either way ask them to take a seat, and rightfully take yours.