Confession: I hate Smack

I’m a second year at Warwick, I like clubbing just as much as the next person, and have been known to frequent downstairs at Smack. But the truth is, it’s a truly terrible place.

I don’t know about you, but on nights out, I like to be able to dance without getting punched in the neck. I like to go home without other people’s sweat in my mouth. And I like to be able to get into a club without feeling like the bouncers are on the run from the Mafia.

Let’s break it down: you’re first faced with the queue which is so long you’re practically walking back to campus. At least two fights will break out when drunken jackasses inevitably try to push in. Then you get to the front with the weight of 300 people on your back, only to have a 50:50 chance of getting in. Be warned, the bouncers might not like your smile.

Once you’re in, you’re greeted with trashy decor shouting HEROIN, PRICK and FILTH at you: charming right? There are also deceptively see-through plastic blocks littering the floor, naturally a great idea in a dark room filled with tipsy students.

As the music is 50 shades of terrible upstairs, you’ll be inclined to head downstairs immediately, but take off as many clothes as socially acceptable beforehand, because the descent down the stairs is literally a climb down into the fires of hell. With low ceilings and more people than you thought lived in Leamington in the first place, sweat from others drips off the ceiling and onto your neck and (brace yourselves) face. You can try and convince yourself it’s just condensation, but seriously – what other liquid is produced in such quantities?

Lovers of Smack will try to combat these arguments by pointing to it being voted the best club in the world. Face the facts people, the chain may be good but they dropped the ball in Leamington. The entrance is designed to look like a mug shot, telling, I think, of the under-age trashy clientèle they’re attempting to attract.

For second years and others who have already fallen under Smack’s spell, it’s probably too late for you which is why I’m writing for this for you, freshers. Try and stay within the genuinely enjoyable realms of Neon, Kasbah and even Pop! Resist the hype of Smack Tuesdays – it’s just not worth your time.