The stepping stones to Warwick BNOC glory
We speak from experience of course
Before entering the big bad world of university, you surely had expectations about what you might get out of it. Perhaps a place on a cosy graduate scheme, or perhaps a prodigious drinking ability.
But within weeks you’ll realise that these are the dreams of mere mortals: to triumph at uni, a student must transcend their peers and become a BNOC (Big Name On Campus). Ultimately notorious, BNOCs are the stuff of legend, their names whispered irreverently from the smoking area of Kasbah to the corridors of the engineering building. It’s any closeted narcissists dream to know that a new hairstyle or a latest bae can send shockwaves throughout the Warwick community. Who cares about trivial matters like ‘degree classification’ or ‘seminar attendance’ when you can become an absolute ledge in your early 20s. Follow these five simple stepping stones, and you too can enter the hallowed ground of BNOC nirvana.
Always look your best
Shakespeare once famously wrote that “if you’re not fit, don’t bother mate”, and this is fundamental when assessing BNOC potential. It’s a sombre truth that regardless of ability or merit, if you’re caught looking less than a six on campus will struggle to rocket to the ethereal heights of campus stardom. Of course, any aspiring BNOC must make the sacrifice of forgoing the luxury of being able to look like shit, for one sub-par day could have catastrophic consequences on any hopeful’s burgeoning reputation. Any real world appearance must correspond to the perfect persona crafted carefully through social media, otherwise people will see through the act and immediately dismiss you as painfully mortal.
Get on the Execs (get the Jackets)
Instead of seeing exec roles as another way to shamelessly clamber up the oiled pole of graduate employment, these positions can be utilised as further ways to assert BNOC superiority upon the unclean masses. Not only can a name be spread through implication with various societies, but the jumpers and jackets which proudly present your position as secretary of the Mixed Hockey society mark you out as a figure of authority.
Most certainly the more jackets the better. It goes without saying that you should wear them at every available opportunity; for it must be known in any lecture, lab, or seminar that you are the publicity officer of Warwick Entrepreneurs. Because you are a big deal. For bonus BNOC points, don’t limit the promotion of your society involvement to the Warwick campus; remember the people of Coventry and Leamington take personal pride in knowing that the social sec of the Spanish society shops at Morrisons, living among the people with humility that makes them the pride of the town.
Just because you’re a BNOC you aren’t exempt from being a nice person and doing your bit to save the world. In fact, the guise of charity is another way to not only show what a virtuous person you are, but also promote yourself through any self-indulgent way imaginable. Raising money for a good cause is nice and all, but what is paramount is that your hours in the gym are shown to the world through tasteful expressions of the human physique. Hiding your dick behind a rugby ball whilst helping to raise money for a deadly disease really is a win-win for all involved.
Networking through the bedroom
Sex is good and all, but it’s not really worth it unless the rest of the world knows as well. Any successful BNOC knows that salacious stories spread like wildfire through the Warwick bubble, so if your Snapchat story isn’t you awkwardly grimacing next to the slumbering body of last night’s conquest, then quite frankly quit now. Getting locked down in a relationship may be unwise, for remember, any BNOC worth their salt will spread their infamy through the minds, the hearts, and the pants of campus.
POP weekly attendance is mandatory
The above tactics can all be thrown into practice with purple-soaked gusto every Wednesday night. Like the Oscars, the Royal Wedding, and Christmas dinner at the Beckham’s, anyone who’s anyone makes an appearance, and failure to do so instantly assigns yourself to the bonfire of has-beens and wanabees. These nights can make or break any aspiring BNOC’s candidacy; an awkward joke here or an unfortunate chunder there can undermine even the most eligible name. But, like the Oscars, the Royal Wedding, or Christmas dinner at the Beckham’s, a heroic drinking achievement or necking a nine gains instant respect from all those around, and most importantly puts you on the ladder to Warwick immortality.
If by some miracle you manage to succeed at these herculean tasks, then you truly can call yourself a Big Name on Campus, and know that you have the unfettered respect of the peers you have managed to rise above. Yes, university will one day end, but your glory will last forever.