Guys to avoid in freshers week

You’d be better sleeping alone than with any of this lot


It’s the first day of the rest of your life: your parents have gone back home, leaving behind an entire IKEA catalogue’s worth of stuff and a half-terrified/half-excited Warwick fresher. Having worked up enough Dutch courage to make your TC less tactical and more necessary, it’s time for Freshers to begin.

When the Jägerbombs have started to wear off and you realise the first night of term could be the first lonely night of many more to come, you might fall into the trap of returning home with one of the finest nob-heads Warwick has to offer. These are the ones to avoid.

Your flatmate

Flatmates

It’s all fun and games for now…

It’s reached the time of night where you have to accept you haven’t pulled and with the state you’re in that’s not surprising. You decide to sack it in, get your chilli chips from Vialli’s and share a taxi home with your flatmates.

Except once you get home, there’s an indistinct point somewhere between the kitchen and your room where things go terribly wrong. You and your new friend just got awful friendly.

It’s the classic “don’t shit where you eat” predicament. It’s Rule One of uni, but you two are an exception, right? Wrong. It’s not until you realise you have an entire year of living with an ex that it becomes quite abundantly clear shit and food are never a cute mix.

Mr know it all

He's even got to beat you with his pout game

He’s even got to beat you with his pout game

It’s your first course social of the year, and probably your last. The turnout is (as ever) pretty poor, and you don’t have a lot to choose from. As you try to finish your first ever pitcher of Eliminator, you lock eyes with your pretentious, chino-wearing, Grey Goose-drinking, “I want to be an investment banker” course mate. One thing leads to another and you have to ask yourself an important question: are you sure you aren’t a business? Because he just got a stake in you.

The worst part is it’s impossible to forget your terrible mistake since he decides to project his “great opinions” in pretty much every lecture and seminar you’re in. He just wants to make sure people know he’s smarter than everyone else, including you.

The guy with the girlfriend

Stealing yo' man

She’s less than impressed someone stole her man

So you’re in Smack and after your tenth vodka rush, the mix of cheap vodka and cheaper energy drink has made you feel like a million bucks. You stagger downstairs and as the sweat on the walls glistens in the light of the LEDs, you see him. He might be a guy on your course, someone who lives in your accommodation, or maybe he’s even on the exec of your favourite society. But he’s also part of that adorbz couple who make you want to cry into your Ben & Jerry’s and tell people about how you’ll be forever alone.

You aren’t sure if it’s the alcohol talking (it’s definitely the alcohol talking) but suddenly it all makes sense: you and him are meant to be. Surely his girlfriend will understand that when you make a connection like this, you don’t simply walk away? As it turns out, you can’t walk away from the guilt you get every time you see her, or the emotional scars you get when she cusses you out in the Humanities corridor.

The guy who won’t commit

Make that the fourth time this week..

Make that the fourth time this week..

You’ve lost your friends in the maze of Kasbah and as you make your fifth lap of the smoking area, terror begins to set in. You don’t have enough money for a taxi alone, you’ve lost the ability to text coherently and you’re going to be trapped here forever.

You make your way to the burger van across the road, deciding the best use of the pittance left in your purse has to be the chicken burger deluxe. But on your walk you happen upon something much more appetising than a burger with a cheeky hash brown thrown in. He’s the reason you’ve watched “He’s Just Not That Into You” three times in the past month and the reason for doing just as many walks of shame. And yet there you are again, distracting your taxi driver with a less than PG-13 make-out sesh.

The morning after the night before involves him explaining he needs to find himself before he can settle down with only one woman, and you leave his room with a broken heart and a pair of undies which actually belong to a different girl. It turns out he’s been finding himself in a lot of different women recently.

The guy on the no-no list

The 'please forgive me' hugs

The ‘please forgive me’ hugs

You have to be a special kind of drunk to make this mistake. We’re talking about drunk drunk. Increasing your overdraft to buy more booze to celebrate a negative pregnancy test while drowning your sorrows after the death of your childhood dog drunk. Anyone that’s smart enough to get into Warwick knows such a high amount of alcohol mixed with that many emotions can only end in one way: you’ve just pulled the guy on the friendship no-no list.

Maybe he’s your BFF’s ex boyfriend, or her current bae. Whatever the relation, this type of mistake will undoubtedly end in tears, or a Facebook unfriending if she’s sassy enough.

Cov students

Enough said.