The definitive list of weirdos you meet in first year

It’s a jungle out there

When applying for your Uni halls, you fill in the about me description in hopes of being grouped with people who are similar to you. Or at least, you fill it out pretending to be the sort of person you’d like to end up in halls with.

But by the end of your first week, you soon realise that the Accommodation Fairies have played some sort of sick joke on you. These are the people you got stuck with.

Pretentious pretender

This person just doesn’t want to be your friend, so he won’t ever bother. He thinks he is much better than you and your flatmates, and rolls his eyes in disdain whenever you speak.

Big night out? Not for Pete. He’d rather spend his nights reading the paper, watching plays and shouting at Question Time. He’s going to go far in life, and he knows it’s going to be far away from you.

Secretly, they’ll hop off to a Conservative youth meeting, full of debauchery and port swilling. You might even catch them in Smack if they’re drunk enough.

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The bullshitter

This is the fresher who drinks in every round of “Never have I ever”. Hell, they’ll even say things so only he drinks, just so you know how classic they are.

You all scoff in disbelief every time he makes these outrageous claims. He doesn’t even look like he has ever spoken to a girl, let alone slept with his mum’s best mate. Give him time, and he’ll come around and maybe blossom into a nice guy when he finds a girlfriend.

The cling-on

You realise you made the mistake of being friendly on the first day of Uni, because now they won’t leave you alone and always wants to know what you are up to. They always wants to hang out.

Do you want dinner? Shall I download this four hour black and white French classic so we can watch it tonight? Whats your favourite colour because I’m thinking of redecorating. Can I sleep in your bed tonight.

They’ll chat about everything., more often than not asking intrusive questions. Sometimes clingy borders on creepy.

That knock on your door? It’s them. You just can’t get away from the, and he’s made it clear they’re here to stay.

The shy hermit

You can barely get two words out of her half the time, and she is just the sweetest person you know.

But once she’s had a bit of the vod, she can’t stop herself from telling you how she fancies the pants off that boy who lives downstairs. Oh and her gorgeous cat back home in Wiltshire. God forbid you don’t go on a night out with them, you’ll wake up to an emotional rollercoaster text conversation.

“Why aren’t you out, God they miss you, I can’t believe you’re not here, this hotty wants to sleep with me what do you think?”

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Protein shake gym fanatic

You rarely see this breed, because he’s always busy with his sports team or at the gym. But when you do see him, all he talks about is his sporting endeavours.

They smash the opposition every week, then get leathered on a Wednesday on a night none of you have ever really been on for fear of being introduced to Dirty Mike and the boys who you’ve heard far too much about.

He’ll explain that he got up at 7am for hockey training, that he’s just been at the gym for 3 hours, and he’s about to go trial for the Football team. Because one sporting team just isn’t enough.

The slightly misogynistic lad

He’s mates with all the cool kids on campus, has mastered the art of the tactical chunder, and claims to have slept with every girl on campus. He doesn’t give a shit about his degree.

The sort of guy your creepy uncle would really get along with, his education description in years to come, when you’re employed and he probably isn’t, will say he got a first from the University of Life, or worse, the School of Hard Knocks.

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The Lightweight 

This person is the absolute liability on every night out. One drink and they’re already slurring their words and dancing on the table. Sometimes it’s really funny, and other times you’re just pissed off that you can’t get to the same level of drunk.

Or, they get kicked out, you try to rescue them, and get ejected by a bouncer as well. Your night is cut short, but the worst part is you know this will happen in a few nights time. You’ll warn them off the sauce, but you can’t helicopter parent them all evening.

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The busy first year

We came to uni to study, and by no means do anything fun that could also develop you as a person. Education is the key right?

This is the rare breed of university student who will actually complete the endless weekly readings, attend all lectures regardless of time. You feel nothing but envy because they have their life in order, while you are constantly in hangover hell. Then you realise they’re not nearly as fun as you, regardless of how proud their parents are.

The nocturnal owl making weirder noises than your boiler

This guy hasn’t seen sunlight in so long it’s a mystery how he’s survived this far. His sleeping pattern is so fucked up that you don’t see him for most of the year, except for that time in the corridor when you’re quickly going for a wee at 4am.

All nighters to them are just a few hours in the library. Their eyes are so sunken into their head you wonder if it’s a human you’re living with or something out of a Goosebumps book. But at least they’re good conversation, it’s just a matter of finding them when you’re not coming in from a night out.

The ghost

The mystery. The ghost. The one you never see or hear, but occupies that room in that corner of your flat. The door has never been opened and nobody ever seems to leave it.

You can’t help but worry for their health. Where do they eat? Do they eat? Are they lonely?

“Does she even still live here?”

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