Looking for love or longing for it on Valentine’s Day

Forty six per cent of marriages end in divorce


You might be savagely reminded of your impending singleness or just roped into spending money you don’t have on gifts the other person.

Or you’re just excited to have an excuse to watch that film where Anne Hathaway gets hit by a truck after finally settling down with the man of her dreams.

Whether you’re looking for love or hanging on to what you’ve got, here’s how you might be spending V day.

Bitter Spinster

We all have that one consistently single mate. The type of mate who makes statements like ‘I can’t wait to die alone with my cats’ and is never met with comforting statements such as ‘no you’ll find the one’ from their taken friends because let’s face it – for this singleton it’s not going to happen.

They waste hours on tumblr reblogging pictures of celebrities that they’ll never meet, food they’ll never eat and cats. Their evening consists of a bucket of ice cream, more tumblr and a cocoon of self-pity.

Valentine’s day face - let’s hope the wind doesn’t change

Valentine’s day face – let’s hope the wind doesn’t change

The couple that are so over it

If you’ve ever turned to your significant other and said anything along the lines of Valentine’s Day is so commercial, we don’t need to celebrate it or  suggested a takeaway curry this is probably you.

Both secretly wish that the other will bite the bullet and buy some sort of ghastly gift or cringe card, but both will conceal their secret valentines cravings with eye rolls and acrimonious comments.

You may be thinking “why do I need to be told to treat my lover on this one day a year, I do it all year round!”. Ask yourself – do you really?

If the answer’s yes then well done to you, start a relationship blog and enjoy your flawless relationship. If the answer is no, then why not get a shit card from Clintons, write something a bit soppy in it, buy a £5 bottle of white and suck up your pride for just one day.

Romantic meal in Mcdonalds? Oh, you are SO over it ...

Romantic meal in Mcdonalds? Oh, you are SO over it …

The Valentine’s Day Shagger

Not in a loving meaningful relationship? Go out on the piss and bump uglies with someone you’ll never see again – and in all honestly, will never want to. All the desperate singletons come out to play on Valentine’s Day.

Get the shots in, iron your shirt, whip out your eye lash glue and get your ass down to the nearest Pryzm. Didn’t get flowers from the lad you like? Then get off with the strange guy at the bar in the snap back. She ignored you at the bus stop again? Try getting handsy in the back of a taxi.

Keep it covered. Please.

Keep it covered. Please.

Galentine’s Day

It’s a shame Valentine’s Day doesn’t fall on Wednesday this year, otherwise this motley lot would have sent out a ‘on Wednesday we all wear pink’ text via their emoji ridden group chat.

With zero fucks given and zero pennies spent, this cluster spend the day wrapped up in duvets appreciating the beauty of Ryan Gosling and Ann Hathaway

Despite not being a wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs this group use Valentine’s Day as an excuse to snuggle up, keep warm and waste a day cramming in as many (frankly awful) 90’s chick flicks as possible.

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The Loved Up Couple

We’re all jealous of them, don’t lie. Their Valentine’s Day is on point – a posh meal that neither of them can really afford, thoughtful gifts and just general romance.

Cute little private jokes, flanter and buckets of sexual tension are abundant during their Valentine’s Day. There’s not much to say about the Loved up Couple as, let’s face it, it will most definitely come across as bitter and envious. 

Aww, aren't they fucking adorable

Aww, aren’t they fucking adorable?