The Tab’s Alternative Guide to Grad Schemes

It’s that time of year again and it seems as if everyone at Warwick apart from you has snatched that elusive summer internship or grad scheme. With training, qualifications, rapid career progression and a salary that most grown-adults would aspire to – what’s not to like?

However if you can look past the branded freebies (“Free mousemats!!?  I totes wanna sell my soul to a morally-dubious, money making machine now!”), you begin to realise that grad schemes aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. There are plenty of other options that offer similar opportunities and benefits that don’t result in you licking the arse of some pretentious knob at Ernst and Young.

Alternative 1:    Join a religious order.

With the popularity of mainstream religion on the decline, positions as monks and nuns are going ten a penny!

The often scenic and isolated locations of many monasteries and convents are ideal for getting away from it all and assuaging feelings of shame and self-loathing.

When not engaged in sex-abuse scandals or denouncing the sins of life-saving contraception, you can be sure to permanently reside on moral high ground over any wanker banker.

Monks just wanna have fun.

Alternative 2:    Drug Dealing

If you didn’t get that coveted investment banking job, drug dealing might be just for you. With all the risks but fewer of the moral implications, drug dealing will see you working in a similarly dynamic environment with clients from all degrees of the social spectrum.

Economists will make quick work of modelling variations in supply and demand, whilst chemistry students will enjoy getting their Walter White on.

Walter would be proud.

Alternative 3: Prostitution

Why sell yourself for the benefit of a massive company when you can do it on your own terms?  If the idea of pleasing clients and winning accounts appeals then this might just be the job for you.

Shamelessly plying their wares outside the library…

Brand ambassador roles are great preparation for careers in prostitution- much like standing on the Piazza handing out jelly beans for some big corporation, you will find yourself standing on street corners in cosmopolitan locations hawking your wares. Being self-employed in this respect has many benefits, including flexible working hours and increased job satisfaction.

So now The Tab’s got you on the right track, perhaps you can stop crying over those Goldman Sachs applications and start focusing on what’s really important: getting as many vodbulls at Smack as possible.