8 Ways to be a Smug Twat on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is upon us. That one day a year when all the dysfunctional couples can freely parade their crappy relationships and the rest of us have to put up with it.

Our Tinders have been dormant for weeks and the only card we can expect is the one we always get from our mum. So for our sakes, read on and learn how to make our day even worse.

1)    Spend weeks in the lead up to Valentines telling us what you have planned

Please avoid tales of fancy dinners at Bistrot Pierre and seemingly spontaneous romantic gestures.

“He spent how much? You’re going where??” These are probably the things you’ll hear us say, but in our heads we are sobbing and bludgeoning you to death with an imaginary sledgehammer.

We don’t want to hear about fancy restaurants, epesh not BP.

2)    Write a soppy Facebook status

The constant in-jokes and cute animal pictures flying between you two on facebook is bad enough the rest of the year, but this really is the last straw.

Declarations of undying love,  reminiscing about all the quirky things you’ve done together and gushing messages of thanks to your other half may seem like a nice thought, but it makes the rest of us want to throw up.

Keep this crap off facebook.

3)    Have loud Valentine’s Day sex

Believe it or not Valentine’s day does not give you a free pass to get jiggy with it for the rest of your house to hear. If we want to hear moaning we will record our own sobs of loneliness. The same goes for PDAs.

None of this please.

4)    Flaunt your V- card

We get it, you got a nice card and a present, now please lock them away where no-one will ever have to involuntarily lay eyes on them again.

We WILL burn this shit.

5)    Spend the day telling all your single friends how you secretly wish you were still single

Nostalgically reminiscing about your single days will not make us feel better- we do not need your pity. YOU’RE NOT SINGLE. GET OVER IT.

6)    Force the rest of us to watch The Notebook.

Seriously,we would rather just watch Game of Thrones or something gratuitously violent.

“It wasn’t over! It still isn’t over!” Please, God, let it be over…

7)    Ask all your single friends for advice on v-day gifts.

We don’t care whether you go for chocolate or flowers, the red one or the blue one. Please try to involve us as little as possible in your Valentine’s festivities. The same goes for advice on romantic playlists, poems and restaurant reviews.

8)    Exercise

Seriously, our self-esteem can’t really cope when we’re going to spend the day eating our own bodyweight in Carte D’or and Doritos. The very least you could do is to skip the gym this one day and make us all feel a lot better about ourselves.

You got the girl – now you have to get big too?

So there you have it, please feel free to torture the rest of us with your vacuous little holiday of commercial exploitation.

Happy Valentine’s! XOXO