Tab tries: Sober Smack

Ever wondered what the wonderful world of Smack would be like sober?


Smack is an experience. It’s small and crowded but we love it.

But it’s the most popular student night at Warwick for one reason: £1 vodbulls. Being a dedicated member of the “I love Smack on Tuesdays” club, I bravely decided to take that away.

Yes, I went to Smack absolutely sober. I faced many hurdles… without alcohol, it was tough.

Smell itttttttt

Smell itttttttt

1. Getting in

We began queuing at 10.40pm and obviously, it’s mental… so we pushed in. A group of ‘lads’ behind us were chanting, “Come to Smack they said, there’ll be no queue and it’ll be great they said…” Obviously first timers.

As second years we rolled our eyes at the ridiculous fresh and thought, “they have no idea… It’s so worth it”.

Of course it is.

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The tragic separation

People began shoving each other like maniacs and some of the weak pleaded to leave. A bouncer barriers off the start of the queue, and I happened to be in the front, able to breathe, while all my friends were left behind.

I was ready to enter – alone and stone cold sober. Walking in, I observed the ‘usual’ scene to a drunken Smack-goer; a guy is kicked out of the club, detained by a bouncer and the police arrive – all recorded by a group of fresh, first-time, over-excited Smack-goers. Standard…

"I'm too sober for this place too!"

“I’m too sober for this place too!”

2. Getting ‘Downstairs’

As I walked down the steps after another queue, I smelled sick. I’d been told about this but never noticed before… Anyway, I thought I’d go to the loos to check my hair but was unable to enter.

The floor was a pool of hair, sick, dirt and grime. The mirror was too steamed from sweat to see into. Disappointed, I walked out only to discover one of my friends being started on.

The fight was resolved when one man said to the other, “let’s have a good night yeah”…I witnessed this exact scene about 15 times in the night.

As I walked back to the dance floor, my flat mate who was absolutely ruined came up to me and exclaims “you’re drunk!” slaps me in the face, and walks on… Stops and shouts, “Actually, I’m going to be like my rugby friends and do what I want. I’ll sit in the middle of the dance floor right now.”

The alcohol takes over

The alcohol takes over

3. Getting with people

Smack is an acceptable place to properly full-on grind on someone. It’s easy to pull; you walk up to someone, tap them, dance creepily near their face, ask if they’re alright and lean in.

Something which when you experience sober, you can’t help but crack up in their faces. Even worse, all my friends were trying to get on someone.

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Classic Smack gyration

I could be part of this wondrous paradise. As a bouncer taps me and asks if I remember his friend trying to get my number some time ago, I chuckled and headed to the bar. And got absolutely hammered.

Lesson number 1 of nights out at Warwick: don’t go sober to Smack. Not even for an article.

Me and my best friends

Getting friendly with the bouncers