A celebration of Varsity

Varsity is a fantastic time of year. A time where we forget our disappointments of Oxbridge rejection and proudly embrace our Warwick identity. A time where we collectively become passionate about sports  which we have no clue about (yes, I was at the ice hockey). A time where we uniformly change our profile pictures in confident expectation of yet another victory.

The greatest thing about varsity though is that it gives each of us an incredible free pass to act like cunts. There aren’t many other normal contexts where it would be acceptable, celebrated even, to insult and ridicule other people simply because they’re not as rich or well-educated.

Where else would the hatred and derision we routinely display to our Coventry counterparts be simply labelled as ‘Varsity spirit’? Now don’t get me wrong, I know that Cov-bashing goes on throughout the year, and many cannot resist any opportunity to have a laugh at our neighbours. However, it is only at Varsity that this sort of behaviour gets such whole-hearted approval.

It’s not easy being a Warwick student at times, academically and traditionally we are still looked down upon by the likes of Oxbridge and Durham. In sport, we are routinely thrashed by our much better endowed Midlands neighbours (Birmingham, Nottingham, Loughborough etc. ). Varsity, therefore, presents a unique time of the year where we’re the big dogs, the ones on top, and so we seize the chance to be absolute cunts.

Consider the ice hockey program for instance, which was officially approved and distributed by Warwick Sport. It contained the lyrics to ‘anthems’ of support us Warwick fans could sing while watching. The general theme of all the songs was ‘you’re dumber than us, ha ha ha’.

The only chant heard during the game which positively supported Warwick was a simple repetition of the uni’s name in time to a generic clapping rhythm.. This will be seen throughout the Varsity fixtures, with catchy tunes like ‘The wheels on your house go round and round’ and ‘I know who your dad works for…my dad’, soon to be reverberating freely across campus.

The songs can get even more cuntish: the football team programme last year included a delightful tune ‘Shoot the Poly Scum’, with lyrics which provide a detailed description of loading a gun and shooting Cov students.

This licence to indulge in the very worst part of our competitive natures is fantastic, makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside – but it does come at an artistic price. Coventry aren’t too stupid to notice the repetitive nature of our chat, and have challenged us to be more original.

If you choose to attend any Varsity matches, you may notice a bored resigned expression when you hurl yet more insults to their intelligence and comparative wealth. They accept being a poly, and somehow have managed to find a sense of pride in that.

When all’s said and done, I think being a cunt for the few Varsity weeks is a wonderfully refreshing respite from being polite and politically correct the rest of the year. So let’s keep pretending we’re being patriotic about our second choice university, and let the hatred spew out.