How to… become SU president!

The how to guide to getting elected…

elections student politics warwick su

Sir Bernard is back folks, and this week I’m here to give you some top tips on the art of winning a presidency. A little known fact about me is that I actually ran for President of the United States in 1896. So if you want a real expert on the art of electioneering, I’m your man. Here are my top 5 tips:

1. Start Early

When I say early, I mean early. Play the long game and start making friends in first year. The beauty is, even if you don’t speak to these people for the next two years, they will remember just how friendly you were on that drunken fresher’s night/morning after. Don’t just add the same people on Facebook that you’ve ignored in that 9am seminar for years just before the election. This is a toxic error and must be avoided at all costs!

Networking specialist at work… 2015 president?

2. Big Societies

No, I don’t mean David Cameron’s big society (the knob). Get big student societies behind your campaign. Again this involves starting early and making your face well known within these societies. I’m talking about RAG, Warwick Snow, WFS, these are the big groups you have to infiltrate. Starting as a freshers slave, changing your profile picture to advertise the dullest of events, getting abused at circle every week, these are all worthwhile sacrifices in the long run.

Big society or big societies?

3. Professional Campaign

This involves everything from campaign colour to getting the big names starring in your video. Personally, my favourite colour is Pink but using pink may bring back some haunting memories of the 2012 race and an awkwardly rehashed song by Gorillaz (again to be avoided). Firstly, Damon Albarn’s genius should not be tampered with and, secondly, nothing annoying will ever get you into power. End of.

Gorillaz campaign songs are so 2012…

4. Good Message/Manifesto

Let’s be honest, nothing you promise is ever going to happen and no one would care if it did. However, there are some obsessed, socially awkward students (the virgin contingent) who will actually scrutinise your manifesto. Don’t be too afraid of this mob. They have small reach, but it’s good to keep them onside nonetheless. Keep vaguely realistic and simple and stick to the common rule of 1 achievable pledge to every 3 barefaced lies.

5. Become a Sabb first.

Again it’s about the long game, people are more likely to vote for you if you’ve done a similar job before. In reality, you can’t trust anyone running for any position as they all have their eyes on the main prize in the end. Similarly, the only reason I was vice president under Grover Cleveland for 4 years was so that I could run for President later on. This kind of shameless careerism may be frowned upon but it really does work.

The future is yours, seize it!

Like a mother duck watching her ducklings leave the nest for the first, I feel like I have prepared you for the great challenge ahead. Now, as you approach the A46, and attempt to waddle across, you will have the skills and knowledge to miss the oncoming U1 bus. Whether you’re an innocuous voter or a potential candidate, I feel I have passed on enough of my knowledge, experience and wisdom for you to make the right choice this year. Good luck!