These morning after sex confessions will make you never have another one night stand
‘Happy birthday, here’s 40 thousand of my little men inside of you’
You know that feeling when you wake up from a heavy night: your head’s pounding, and for some reason there’s a randomer in your bed that you can’t even remember pulling. On your walk of shame home you contemplate every life decision you’ve made up to this point, and decide whether to tell your mates about last night’s tragic events.
Many decide to bury the shame forever, others do not. And here they are in all their grim glory.
The grossest birthday present ever
It was my birthday, firstly the sex was awful and he had no idea what he was doing which was bad enough. He then finished and said “happy birthday, here’s 40 thousand of my little men inside of you.” He then decided at 3am that he left his contact lenses at home so had to leave. Megan, 22, London
“His willy was burning too much so he had to go home.”
We were having an after party at my friends house, and there was a guy I really fancied, we shagged and decided that we were really hungry half way through. Whilst rummaging through the fridge, which wasn’t actually in my house, we found a singular chilli. In our drunken haze, we decided that it would be fun to use it as a sex toy. After the chilli shenanigans we started having sex again.
Cutting a long story short his willy was burning too much so he had to go home. The chilli was found a few days later on the floor in my friends living room. Sian, 20, Manchester
“My friend rescued me and took me to A&E”
I met a guy from Tinder and he turned up to the pub so drunk that he kept falling off his chair. The whole date was pretty awkward, but he was really fit and insisted on walking me home. We then ended up in my flat, I told him that I was on my period but one thing led to another.
After sex I put a tampon in but later on in the night we ended up doing it again, when he left in the morning I went to the toilet and tried to get the tampon out but it had completely disappeared. I cried on the toilet for about half an hour until my friend rescued me and took me to A&E. I spent five hours in the hospital and they had to use a clamp and tongs to remove it. I texted the guy saying that I was at the hospital and he literally never replied. Molly, 21, Manchester
Not all bad choices include sex
I’d been on a night out near to home which got really drunken really quickly. At around midnight I really couldn’t hack it any more, so I set off the five minutes down the road home. A car pulled up and asked if I was okay – I said I was fine but he offered a lift. Something sober me would categorically say no to. He was our age and seemed genuinely concerned and kind of nice, so I got in.
Turned out he was a drug dealer and I stayed in his car while he dropped some stuff off for probably around three hours, me having a great time choosing songs all the while. At the end when he dropped me off he said we should keep in touch – so I gave him my email and was off on my merry way. Holly, 23, Leeds
The well-travelled condom
I was sleeping with a guy and we realised the condom he had on had disappeared. As any normal other person would, we just got another one and continued the intercourse. We were on our friends sofa, so in the morning made a conscious effort to look for the mystery condom. Bizarrely it was literally nowhere to be seen. Later on that day I went to the toilet on the train home and the condom was found, I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. Sophie, 19 , York
Meet the parents
I slept with one of my friends and the next day accidentally spilt a litre bottle of water on his bed. His parents helped him flip the mattress upside down as I was leaving, his Dad found my bra under his bed. My dad was picking me up from his house and as I got into the car he ran out with my bra shouting “Lilly you forgot your bra”. Mortifying. Lilly, 19, Cheltenham
You take my breath away
I woke up at a girls house and had to leave really early in the morning without saying anything because my asthma was really bad. Tom, Newcastle, 22
I had drunk goggles on in the club and I brought this guy back to my place and realised I may have made a bit of a mistake, and, not to be mean, but this guy was absolutely hopeless in bed. I know I shouldn’t have done it but in my defence I was getting tired anyway. I pretended to fall asleep. When he seemed to notice I pretended to just wake up and be like “woah hey what happened, what did I miss?” He let himself out immediately after that so I mean, it worked?
“I realised it was the birthday boy’s sister”
I went out for my mate’s birthday, blackout drunk and all I remember is kissing a girl the next thing I know I was at her house drinking with her and her mum. When I managed to put two and two together I realised it was the birthday boy’s sister and I was at his house with his family. We then went back to mine, slept with each other and in the morning both realised how much of a bad idea that was. Jack, 20, Somerset
Citymapper was absolutely necessary
I once woke up next to a girl I didn’t know and was unsure how we got there. I knew we’d had sex, but had no idea where we were. It turned out we were on the opposite side of London to where I live and there wasn’t a tube station to get me home. It took me two hours to get home and we didn’t even have morning sex. Alfie, 19, Bath
I was shagging a girl called Emily, and when coming round and not being drunk anymore I didn’t even realise I was shagging. I was like “Emily is that you?” I then ran out and never spoke to her again. Sam, 23, Swansea
Confession washes away the sins, but these memories will never be forgotten.