A DJ from Bristol is petitioning the UN to ‘ban tech house’

Not all heroes wear capes

Everyone has their own pet hates. Whether it’s people who take their shoes off in the library, bouncers or even people who eat too loudly, we all have our own largely irrational hatred of something.

For one Bristol man, however, hatred of tech-house has spun so far out of control that he has written a petition to the United Nations to have it banned. Whether or not it will spark mass protests and turn him into the next Gandhi, the petition started by Jeremy Cocks has, at the time of writing, an impressive 27 signatures.

We’ve included his argument from the petition below, just in case you wanted to be persuaded:

“I would rather listen to one of those hard house records you get with a second hand pair of technics in one ear and a pile driver being inserted in the other than tech house.

“You can legit get 6 tunes and re-arrange them and get confused about which one is which because they all have no indistinguishable qualities and beatport’s tagging is right on the money when they just use numbers like it’s some of factory belt of vengeance samples.

“It is offensive to any form of musicality and the culture it came from for people who can’t slow down or are addicted to speed and imagining themselves in front of 200,000 people when they’re really in front of two who probably don’t even want to be there themselves.”

“It is like all those really terrible modern remakes of movies but in music form. People who enjoyed the Total Recall remake probably enjoy tech house.

“I would rather be stuck in a lift with Rosie O Donnell and the whole cast of Loose Women after a bad curry than at a tech house gig.

“I am asking for a complete ban on tech house. So aspirational DJs can actually aspire to look through varying forms of music rather than just downloading 100s of tracks that sound exactly the same but with different sample pack vocals snippets and assuming they are connecting with something other than narcissism. Being successful as a tech house DJ is like being a successful subway sandwich artist.

“I am also 27 years old and can’t get a girlfriend (????) so if someone can sort me out with one of those too please that’d be ace, can’t figure out why i don’t have one but i’m assuming it’s because i am an elitist prick who spends too much time online shitposting and being sad.”

Check out the petition here, you probably want to sign already.