The South will always be more fun than the North

The North is a wonderful place, with beautiful landscapes, interesting cities and brilliant nightlife. Pints are cheaper and strangers will speak to you, making it an incredibly pleasant place to be. For that reason, people are always arguing that the North is the fun end of England – but it’s just not true.

We have temperatures above -5 down here

It’s a well known fact that the north of England is absolutely freezing. Getting off the train at Newcastle station after the five hour trek from Bristol, a weary traveller fancies nothing but a lie down and a pint. This, however, is only attainable after being blasted by the ensuing Arctic gale following the opening of the train doors, and a weary stumble towards the nearest form of public transport.

Upon arriving at said transport the isolated southerner is faced with a strange, incomprehensible dialect, their frozen, exhausted ears struggling to unravel the complexities of the broad northern tongue. Arriving in such a harsh environment spells only unhappiness for thrill-seekers: no one wants to actually need their Canada Goose.

It’s no way to live

We have Bristol, the jewel in the crown of English clubbing

Time and time again, Bristol is named as the best city for nightlife in the UK (as well as very often being named the best city to live in) and it really deserves its title.

Motion is ranked as one of the best clubs in the world, and hosts the biggest names in underground music, with a set at Motion often being the make or break of an artist’s career. It doesn’t stop there, with dozens of smaller venues meaning that whatever night of the week Bristol residents can bust some shapes and drop til they drop.

Just try and be better than this (Photo: Karen Roberts)

The coast isn’t shit here

When people sit and romantically contemplate the English coastline they think of Brighton, Devon and necking pints before trying to surf in Polzeath. It’s warmer, it’s sandy and it’s definitely not Blackpool.

As soon as we receive a drop of sun the population of the south pile into cars and race “down the beach” so that we can have disposable barbecues in conservation areas and leave empty cans of Fosters strewn across the sand. This is British summer in a nutshell, and can only truly be envisaged in the south of England.

Undercooked sausage anyone?

We have all the good festivals

Every festival worth going to is in the south of England. Firstly, the likes of Glastonbury, Bestival and Boomtown (the best festivals in the land) are all situated below the Midlands. Secondly, no-one who has finished their GCSE’s is interested in going to Leeds or Kendal Calling, they’re full of children in cannabis leaf emblazoned vests and should be avoided like the plague.

Besides the big names, the south also has all the best smaller festivals, think of Truck Festival in Oxfordshire, Wychwood Festival in Cheltenham and Brownstock in Essex, all cheaper weekends that will always be more fun than splashing out to be knocked around at Leeds.

Boomtown luvin’

Food is always going to be better down here

Soggy, tepid chips covered in congealed Bisto isn’t a nice alternative to anything. Following in the destructive wake of gentrification, every city south of Derby is full to the brim with gourmet burger bars and food vans serving everything from tacos to Thai green curry.

Once a Bagel Boy, always a Bagel Boy

The south of England is awash with incredible places to eat, diners wading through pulled pork and every other delicious food under the sun on a daily basis. Just another reason why it’s more fun than the North.