So you’re going to SWX for the first time

Just get it over with


You’ve said “awww, go on then” and smashed open your piggy bank to use this week’s leftover bus money to pay for your ticket to the notorious place everyone’s talking about: SWX.

Pre-gaming is vital 

Better smash these pre drinks. Get ring of fire on the blower and make sure you’re the one drinking the dirty pint. You’ll be needing it.

You can pretty much wear anything

Anything goes

Anything. Except absolutely no tracksuits, no caps, and “nothing that looks too much like sportswear, mate”. Jeans and flats, fine. Smart clothes, also fine.

Getting In

If you’re hopeless enough to go there after 12pm and you’re waiting in the normal queue because you haven’t bought a ticket, better hope you’re pissed by the time you get there, because it’ll be £6 to get in.

Walking up the infinite flight of stairs (not to Heaven, sadly), you’re thrown into the colossal dance room. If you walk in like Tyra Banks instead of throwing your arms in the air “like you just don’t care”, you should probably walk back out through the doors and think about whether or not you are night out material.

Go on girl, guzzle it

Dressed up people will be at the nearest bar bigging themselves up to their wild mates about how they can strawpedo five VKs in less than two minutes. Get used to seeing this throughout the night. If you don’t do it, perhaps you should be at home crying to some shit film on Netflix. 10 points to Gryffindor if you manage to down something.

Make a move

You’re thoroughly enjoying the dance floor, pouting as if the DJ has dropped an absolute banger, but you’ve had enough of what seems like a night out for Craig David in Ibiza 2k8, so you skip away from the people who are acting like they could teach you how to Dougie and you trot (unless you’re carried) to the R&B room upstairs.

There’s always time for a selfie with the cool lady in the toilets first, though.

‘I won’t even remember her name in the morning’

Feeling lit in R&B 

Walking in and shaking hands with BO itself, you’re suddenly in a desperate and intense grinding version of mosh pit. You don’t take much notice of this, because you’re shocked about how many people know the lyrics to every single ‘jam’ in the world.

An advantage to the R&B room is how quickly you get served at the half classy bar. Grab your double vodka and lemonade and get your ass back on the dance floor. Escape before a tragic guy tries to ask for your number. Just don’t forget to show off how well you can twerk to King Kunta.

Crap classics

Do you really want to dance with these people?

Next up, the VIP/classics room. If you have ever wondered what hell is like, run here. Unless you’d actually enjoy participating in a remake of Grease, that is. Unable to diss it too much though, because they do overplay Thriller and it does override students with that sort of dirty satisfaction when they hear it. After you have endured the tackiest song ever that is ‘500 Miles’, get out of there.

Smokey smokey shelter

It is time to bounce with that friend who smokes and/or flirts outside to experience SWX’s controversial smoking shelter. You’ll be the judge of whether its popularity is for a good reason or a bad reason. Spoiler alert: no drinks allowed outside, so you either chuck your poison back or you abandon it on the side. Perhaps someone will adopt it. Perhaps means they definitely will. Your trash is their treasure and all that.

Someone is bound to come up to you and ask you either for a ciggie, a lighter, tobacco, basically anything poisonous. If you say yes, don’t be surprised when they act like you’ve just proposed. Think about how nice girls are to each other in the toilets when they are drunk – this is the same thing.

Except you’re freezing, outside and either third wheeling with your mate and tonight’s pull because you just got distracted by one of the interesting clientele, or you’re taking one for the team, or even chundering on your own. It’s not a tactical chunder either.

Absolutely TURNT

You come to realise that you’ve had a banging night, even if you can’t remember how many shots of tequila you’ve had, how much money you’ve spent, or where anybody is. Poppy is probably shagging that boy somewhere anyway.

Pure filth

Grand exit and your stinking kebab

Conquer the steep stairs to the exit, thank the bouncers for their one-liners and just do a Usain Bolt to Kebab-You-Like.

If by 5am you’ve graced your housemates with a striptease to Man I Feel Like A Woman, you’ve won.

SWX is 1/4 sexy and has something to offer everyone. Including Chupa Chups in the toilets. That’s probably why people keep going back, even if they’re ashamed to admit it.