How to pull a uni of student if you go to Trent

Whether it’s just for the thrill, or you’re really looking for that special someone aiming for a more prestigious degree than you could ever achieve, here is a guide on how to pull one of our rivals in just a few easy steps.

Stalk your prey on campus

The best thing you want to do in order to get with a Uni of, is to hang out where they hang out. This is most probably going to be their library seeing as they’re all academic and that. In the day time you may often spot a hot Uni of having a stroll around their campus grounds. The number 34 bus will, for £1, take you from the Turtle baes of Trent right into the Uni of hotness grounds. There you can put on your oversized clear-lensed glasses you bought because you think they make you look sexy yet studious, open up your brand new briefcase and get out your Thomas Hardy novel (that’s Thomas Hardy, not Tom, unfortunately) you bought 10 minutes ago at Waterstones and impress the UNAY fitties by fitting right in.

Go to their local hangouts

Now, you’ve stalked your prey on their campus, and you’re feeling hungry after all that work. Heading to that big old Sainsbury’s on Darby Road in Lenton for a cheeky meal deal means you can check out the potentials, whilst checking out your essentials. This supermarket local is a big hang out for those Uni of lot. Here you can buy what they buy and “oh look at that, our hands touched as we reached in for the exact same carton of soya yoghurt” (which his mummy makes her eat at home as part of a healthy non-dairy lifestyle…you definitely hate it, but it’s posh so they must love it).

Attend their nights out

So you’ve found your prey and you need a good time to pounce… what better than when everyone’s drunk, that way they’re less likely to care that you’re from Trent.

It’s a Wednesday and night is upon us. You can’t wait for Ocean tonight because you and the girls are dressing up as sexy sea creatures… but then you realise you need to go get your unay guy or gal and so you must substitute your precious Ocean for a rival night out. You couldn’t think of anything worse but you know it’s something you have to do in order to get a posh boy.

So whilst your society friends are shoving tons of glitter on their face (and anywhere else they can get it) you and your friend you managed to persuade to go out with you are braving the night ahead. What if someone notices you? What if someone realises you’re not a true Uni of girl? But you calm down, remembering that Uni of Nottingham are calm and peaceful and they do not fight. The night will probably be boring anyway.

You make your way to Rock City for ‘Crisis’, Uni of’s big Wednesday night out (because they have to somehow cope whilst we’re living it up in Ocean)and what a crisis you are expecting. You get in the queue, which is slightly longer than you expected, and wait, anticipating what fit boys or girls will await you on the inside…

You hear the booming music as you walk in through the sweatiness of the BCL and up into Rock City, it’s really quite busy and you feel quite shocked at this. The dance floor in Rock City is packed and everyone is jumping around to The Killers ‘Mr Bright Side’. Time to find the fitties.

You can tell if a boy belongs to a sports team at Uni of because during Crisis they will be sporting around in a shirt and tie. Out of everyone at Uni of these are the most ‘laddish’ guys. This boy description is too close to that of Trent and so you steer clear of them, in order to get yourself a fit, clever, sensible Uni of guy, you must stay away of any laddish behaviour, as hard as this may be, but this is no way for a Uni of boy to behave. When pulling a uni of, why go for the typical boring laddish behaviour you’re used to from Trent when you can have a gentlemanly sexy nerd?

You find your spot on the dance floor surrounded by cream-of-the-crop Uni of Notts boys and begin shaking what yo mama gave you to ‘All Star’ by Smash Mouth and you lock eyes, with him, the one. You saw him earlier in Sainsbury’s and now he’s checking you out! You look over in his direction smile, flutter your sexy mascara-covered eyelashes and then carry on dancing…(you want play hard to get afterall). OMG it worked, he’s coming over.
The next thing you know you’re face to face, chest to chest and nose to nose with this absolute fittie… you now just need to be mouth to mouth…

The pounce

He offers to buy you a drink so off you go. As you walk he mumbles his name and some other irrelevant information about him that you can’t hear over the banging music… ‘Titanium’ is playing now by the way. You don’t really care about what he has to say or what his name is, you just want to crack on, you want your tongue in his throat.

You’ve downed your drinks and head back to the dance floor. You turn around and start dirty dancing as if he was Patrick Swayze and you, Jennifer Grey. You do this for a few minutes before the temptation of you grinding on his hips is too much for him and he swings you round, and yes, now you are finally mouth to mouth. Your kiss is anything but passionate, probably because you’ve had too many jagerbombs or because he downed too many vodka cokes, but you don’t care because now you can finally tell all your mates that you got with a uni of boy!… Oh, and your friend who braved the night out with you? She took a pic of you both, so now the memory can last forever and ever and you can always remember that time you pulled that fit and clever Uni of boy. You’re welcome.

Now… back to his place or yours?