The Nine Types Of Girlfriends: Which one do you have?

Whether she is a Snorlax Sally or a Perfect Polly your girlfriend will be on this list. Let’s just hope you still want to be with her after reading what she’s really like…


WARNING: images below may result in extreme reality check. Proceed with caution and remember, beauty is in the eye of the erm, beholder…

Psycho Sarah

She checks your texts, she’s always right and heaven forbid you forget to call her-you might as well have had sex with someone else. Not to mention, her mood swings are giving you prolific whip lash. Yep, this is the sort of crazy jealous crap some of you poor saps have to deal with.Top tip:get out as fast as you can and never look back, you are only sailing on a sinking ship.

Smothering Stephanie

You move, she moves. You may mistake this type of girl for your shadow as she is virtually always stuck to your side. You are forever being referred to as a couple and it is hard to remember the last time you had some quality alone time. You don’t even get the luxury of having your morning poo alone these days, they have turned into a joint bonding session whereby she brushes her teeth whilst basking in the stench of your dump. It must be love.

Cheating Charlie

Why is this girl in a relationship, god knows! My guess is that she is a greedy bitch who thinks she can have it all. Whilst her boyfriend is twisted around her little finger she is getting heaps of attention and gifts from him, but then at the same time she’s having spontaneous sex sessions with any tom, dick and harry that takes her fancy. At some stage in the relationship she will reach the point where she has had sex more times with random strangers than with her boyfriend. Generally this type of ‘lady‘ will get caught after her unsuspecting partner develops an itchy rash down bellow. Busted!

Laid back Lauren

To many men this seems like the ideal girlfriend. She is so relaxed about everything that at times you forget she is even there. However, there are drawbacks to this laid back chica. She often forgets about arrangements you have made and has a tendency make little or no effort at all to contact you. There have been times when you haven’t seen each other for over two weeks purely because she can’t be bothered to walk down to your flat that is less than 30 seconds from her door.

Wifey Wendy

This type of girlfriend has been known to grant herself the title of ‘wifey’ just days after getting in a relationship. She lives for the life of a thirty-year-old and can’t wait to settle down, buy a house and have lots and lots of ‘cutey wewtey’ babies. She isn’t bothered about who you are or what you look like, as long as you are a fully functioning male you’ll do the job. If this doesn’t make you want to be sick then the fact that she refers to her boyfriends parents as ‘the in-laws‘ must be enough to get your gag reflex’s going.

Mothering Molly

This one’s pretty self explanatory. She feels the need to take on the role of your ‘mother hen’ whilst you are at uni and she will check up on you several times a day to ensure you are doing your work and eating properly. Packed lunches with crustless sandwiches wrapped in foil are her speciality and if you’re lucky she will throw in a Cheese String and a Capri-Sun.

Snorlax Sally

This one’s for the 90‘s kids amongst you. Any Pokemon fanatic will find it hard to forget the fat, bumbling beast that slept all day. But this is probably the best way to describe this type of girlfriend. Before she got into a relationship, she made an effort to ‘pretty herself up’  when she went on dates and at one point she was rather attractive. However, as soon as she makes things ‘official’, it’s bye bye beauty and bring on the beast. Make-up is thrown away because ‘he will love her just the way she is’ and she will eat whatever she wants because ‘he will love her whatever size she is’- yeah right. Sadly, she is forgetting that when most men say these things they are lying. So before she knows it she is left fat, single and feeling rather sorry for herself. There there Sal.

Manly Maggie

The girlfriend that’s a boyfriend. This is a girl that usually pairs herself with a guy that is half her size, both width and length ways, so that she can be the one ‘in charge’ of the relationship. She goes to the gym regularly to work on her upper body strength so that when a heavy box needs lifting she can move it without breaking a sweat. As a result of this role-reversal relationship the lines between men and women become blurred beyond repair.

Perfect Polly

And finally, Polly, the one girl that every man wants but can’t always get. You have known her for years and fell in love with her the second you saw her. Even though you were only 7 at the time you knew that you had to be with her forever and ever and that your life would simply end if you couldn’t win over her heart by the end of a game of kiss chase. Unfortunately, nine times out of ten you don’t end up with this girl but for the lucky few of you that do, WELL DONE. You’ve hit the jackpot. Be happy and don’t become a Controlling Callum or Over-Keen Kevin.