Texts back and sex: Sussex students share what’s on their Christmas wish list

If I don’t get the neo-liberal beast under my Christmas tree, I will riot


Being a student is genuinely awful. It means your an adult and you have to be a grown up. It also means that the excitement around Christmas time doesn’t mean anything like it did when you were younger. Life was sweet when we weren’t university students living through a global pandemic. Picking up an Argos catalogue and taking it home to circle what we wanted feels like nothing but a fever dream. Now it’s all about begging for rent reductions and spending most of our time in break out rooms.

Despite everything going on in the world right now, we asked you what you wanted for Christmas and some of the responses were jokes. A lot of you asked to graduate with a first (santa delivers gifts, not miracles) and a few of you asked for Boris to sort his shit out. There was also a couple of you who asked for the vaccine, which is understandable. and there was a selection of ordinary requests like slippers, a lava lamp and a will to live.

However, amongst the ordinary responses there were a few weird ones. We decided to pick out our favourites, here’s a really shitty gift giving guide:

“A Kelly Coat”

Now, we are pretty sure this person harmlessly meant a Kelly Coate but the spelling made us automatically think of this:

 

Hopefully Santa knows how good I’ve been this year and brings me one of these sexy duffle Coates to unwrap on crimbo morning.

“A girl that’ll text me back”

Like we said before, santa doesn’t work miracles. He’s not a love guru either but maybe dating in 2021 will be more successful for you?

“A shag”

Ho ho ho, indeed. We feel like students have been suffering with long dry spells this year. However this request makes me think you want to bonk santa? That’s not very Chirstmassy.

“My 9k back”

Please, santa if you’re reading this then bring a sack of 9k.

“More hours in a day to sleep”

Despite this request, we all know for a fact that come Christmas morning, we will be awake well before 10am.

“Crocs”

Finally, a student with style and taste.

“To feed a flock of seagulls on campus before I graduate”

Not going to lie, this is really fucking weird but also really understandable at the same time. One student told us: “I want to recreate that scene in Home Alone 2 with the pigeon lady but with seagulls.”

“Financial stability”

I am convinced there is no such thing as ‘financial stability’ after 2020. But if Santa is offering some moolah, then I’d appreciate the help.

“The bird I like to take a hint”

You all seem to think that santa is some sort of matchmaker? Sorry to break it to you, hun – he’s not. Maybe if you wanted the girl you like to text you back you could start with not referring to her as a “bird” – just some food for thought.

“I want to stop being a virgin”

I’m not convinced that santa can help you with that because…well, you know? He isn’t real.

“Adam Tickell wrapped up”

If I don’t get the neo-liberal beast under my Christmas tree, I will riot. Honestly though, I wonder what the contents of Adam’s bin will be after a busy Christmas day? Maybe double the diet coke consumption and another gifted bottle of Dior Sauvage that he’s binned after boycotting the brand? The man is a mystery.

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