21 disasters that could only happen in Park Village
“It’s actually not that bad!”, said every defensive Park Villager
Brimming with freshers who got rejected by Brighthelm, and resembling absolutely no one's idea of what student halls look like, poor old Park Village is nobody's first choice.
However, at an absolute steal (by ridiculous Brighton standards) of £91/week, most of us are happy to make do, even if it does mean swerving disaster after disaster that we probably should have been warned about.
So, here's your warning in the way of twenty-one of those disasters that we discovered the hard way; outlined, detailed and ready for you to sign on the dotted line.
Better late than never?
1. Rat infestations
Let's start as we mean to go on, shall we?
Around these parts on campus, it's rare you'll enjoy a quiet walk home at night without often seeing that all-too terrifying flash of black on the path. And if you don't shut the door behind you fast enough, you may have an unwelcome house guest joining you for your post-pub toast.
2. Smashed mirrors
the cutting-edge PV interior designers clearly had our bests selfie interests at heart when they hung a full-length mirror in most of the corridors.
Just don't fall backwards into one after one too many shots during pres unless you can afford seven years of bad luck on top of your crippling student debt. Just saying.
3. Drink-stained carpets
Speaking of pres, social space at Park Village is limited to humble hallways with no furniture, favouring apparent fire safety over any opportunity for sociability or comfort.
So, you're limited to a sort of sad drinking picnic situation with all of the spillage risk involved with people getting up every two minutes to use the loo.
4. Food trodden into the carpet
The sad picnic situation also applies to meal times, unless a lonely dinner date at your desk is more for you.
Hunched over a full plate of beans on toast, spillage is inevitable, but some go above and beyond and proceed to tread their runaway beans into the carpet on their trip back to the kitchen.
5. Getting third degree burns from the radiator
PV room temperatures are IMPOSSIBLE to regulate, thanks to the radiator valves that can't seem to comprehend lefty-loosey, tighty-righty.
So it's just Sod's law that on the one day they decide to heat the house to about 307 Celsius, you decide to lean your achey floor-dweller's back onto the radiator and borderline burn all your skin off.
6. Freezing to death in your sleep
This state of the art heating system also won't spare your winter's night's sleep, so Park Village residents can often be found shuffling under at least seven blankets in attempt to swerve a mild case of hypothermia or waking up with icicles protruding from their noses.
7. Fire alarms at three in the morning
The sound these dodgy smoke detectors make when they wake you up from a deep sleep is genuinely beyond human description.
Anyone can think of more desirable things to be doing a few hours before a 9am than shivering half asleep in a hoodie that you managed to throw on back-to-front in your hurry, and avoiding eye contact with the housemate you haven't seen or spoken to all term.
8. Being deafened whilst cooking
Fire safety is a serious issue, sure, but alarmed kitchen doors that scream bloody murder as soon as they've been opened for five seconds is a bit excessive.
9. Flooded bathrooms
We also have the, admittedly rare, but very exciting possibility of the showers getting blocked and drenching the entire first floor with murky, suspiciously smelling water that sticks around in the carpets like a very, very bad smell.
The designated hallway dining room is relocated to the second or ground floor in this scenario, if not located there already.
10. Having to resort to sink wees
Imagine being so grossed out by your flooded bathroom or so petrified of housemate smalltalk that you resort to pissing in your sink. Park Village does things to you, man.
Who needs to pay £153/week for an ensuite?
11. Having to show up to uni still smelling of the night before
Despite their best scheduling intentions, a Park Villager sharing two showers with eleven other housemates won't always be victorious in the morning shower traffic.
Just explain where you live to the poor soul sitting next to you in your lecture and they'll be sure to understand.
12. The cleaner seeing you in your towel
With your busy schedule, cleaning day slips your mind pretty much every week. So, when you do manage to secure a timely shower, there's nothing like bumping square into the nice man cleaning the loos to remind you that today's the day.
13. Tripping on other peoples’ shower products
On the subject of shower shenanigans, twelve residents and no bathroom storage also means an often unbelievable amount of products (and an inevitable accumulation of empty bottles) crammed onto the shower floor and ready to be slipped on as soon as you get shampoo in your eye.
14. Tripping over basketballs
The trip hazards are diverse around here. You'll also often find yourself dodging and jumping over balls on your way home, especially if you're not ballsy enough to kick them back onto the court.
15. Tripping over rabbits
One more addition to the grand PV obstacle course. These are a lot cuter, though. Just don't expect them to stay still whilst you try to pet them, you will be sorely disappointed.
16. Going to the wrong house
Whether it's directly correlated to the number of pints you've had, the labyrinth layout of the houses, the weird house numbering system, or the fact that every house looks exactly the same, it's not rare to find yourself struggling to fit your key into the wrong door.
17. The porter fining you for incriminating smells
Many students have their ways of swerving indoor smoke alarms in order to avoid stepping a few yards outside to the door to have a cigarette.
What you can't swerve is the nasty old carpets all over the house that have a way of absorbing absolutely everything. That stale smoke smell may well be from six tenancies ago, but the cleaner will grass you up either way.
18. Daddy long-legs infestations
In case you didn't realise that September had arrived, enter the daddy long-legs welcoming committee!
They somehow manage to get absolutely everywhere, and with zero sense of spatial awareness, they'll fly at your face faster than an optimistic lad in a club.
19. Getting locked out of your bedroom
Automatic locking fire doors may keep you safe from emergencies and thieves, but they certainly don't keep you safe from the disappointed glare of the security guard who's having to trek to let you into your room for the third time this week.
20. Not seeing anyone for about seven years
With no communal living area, and rarely so much as a humble stool in the kitchen, it sometimes feels like you have to schedule in meetings with your housemates in order to actually catch them for more than two minutes when you're on the way to the loo.
21. The Park Village Social Centre isn’t actually social, at all
Oh wait, there is a social area! With sofas and everything!? Only no one actually uses it, which kind of defeats the object.
(Bonus) 22. You actually end up loving the place and have to defend it to your Northfield- dwelling mates
Despite all our complaints, with the right people, Park Village can be home to some of the best and most authentic freshers experiences out there.
No one will believe the great time you could possibly be having there, but at least you'll enter the brutal world that is private students lettings a year later with a slightly thicker skin than anyone else, as well as a new appreciation for kitchen furniture.