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Sussex students confess the things they wish they could tell their housemates to their face

‘I shat in your sink’


Last year, The Sussex Tab asked the wonderful students of Sussex to send us the things they always wished they could say to their housemate but didn't. After a somewhat disturbing selection of confessions were revealed, we thought it was time for round two.

After reading this, you may want to wash your sheets, wipe your kitchen surfaces and never leave food out again. Let the paranoia begin!

Dear Housemate…

"I had sex in your bed with my one night stand the morning after the night out when I had pissed my own bed. And I didn’t clean your sheets…"

Remember to lock your room's guys!

"Those sex noises you're making – we all know they're not genuine hun, definitely copied from porn. Please keep it down xx"

"I appreciate you are vegan and buy bio vegetables from local farmers, but please keep the soil out of the fridge."

How very Sussex

"Please clean up your piss after you’ve gone for a tinkle. It is neither kind, nor fair, to leave your fellow housemates to accidentally step in it bare-footed and then, out of the kindness of their own heart, to clean it up for you. You are 20, not two."

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"You're only living with us next year because we accidentally added you to the group chat and felt bad removing you."

"I want to birth your child."

"You stopped speaking to me for 6 months over a broken shower, or was it because of the 'clique' as you put it…? or was it because you were bitter that our housemate rejected you (even though you have a bf (gurl… really?)) when we started dating? Who knows maybe you just needed an excuse to throw a hissy fit and a mug of tea across the kitchen. Bitch byeeeee ?xo"

Ouch thats got to hurt

"I’m a serial milk thief and I’m not sorry about it xx"

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We've all stolen someone's milk let's not even pretend.

"Bullying people into cleaning isn't the way to go. why can't you just fucking ask nicely instead of deliberately making me cry? You can clean up spilt milk but takes more work to wipe up my tears x"

This one's very poetic. Wanna write for The Tab?

"I've had sex in both showers, on the kitchen table and the sides, where you sit and eat your dinner is where I sat and ate other things."

Literally nowhere is safe!

"I shat in your sink."

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I just wanted to wash my dishes…

"To the housemate who resides next door, please don’t have sex so close to my door, it feels like you’re shagging in my room."

"While I’ve been home alone I’ve had sex in most of the communal areas in the house.. The shower, the toilet, the sofa, the kitchen counters, the kitchen chairs and table. But hey, at least someone in this miserable house is having some fun"

Whatever floats your boat, I guess?

"My housemate only washes himself every couple of weeks, sometimes only once a month. When he walks by you get a whiff of egg, grease and sweat. Really puts me off my dinner!"

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"I had a nightmare housemate last year who used to bitch about all of the rest of us in the house to her boyfriend in the room next door when we could hear every word. She once got so stressed about her first time buying non-processed chicken that she only ate grapes, oven chips, and hash browns for a week… How that girl isn't malnourished I don't know!"

"Sorry for spewing on your laptop after a drunken night out. I didn’t even remember it happening, or also spewing on the sofa and on my own guitar gear."

Right that's it I'm literally disinfecting everything in my house.

"I’m sorry for going into your drawer while you were out and stealing some of your weed… if it’s any consolation I spent the whole night paranoid crying that you were going to find out."

"Pls don’t have sex with a middle aged stranger on our communal sofa and then take a Polaroid of it."

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Not what you wanna find while you're making your breakfast

"I woke up one morning to a text message from one of my flat mates. It said that the plates and pots I had left in the sink from the last night had been covered in sick. Raging, I had a good ole rant in the groupchat and finally found out it was someone from outside the flat. Had a go at him and later that day he came with some rubber gloves to clean his insides off my stuff. Won’t look at that fella the same way."

"I sniff your clothes daily."

Um, ok?

"You're annoying, every time you come into a room I can physically feel the bant get up and leave and your "blog" is shit. We all make fun of you behind your back and we can't wait for you to fuck off and find new friends xx"

No sugar coating that one ey

"You called the police on our housemate for studying in your room after you had moved out… Petty cannot even describe xo"

'999, what's your emergency?'

"'Needing to cook lasagna' is not an excuse to say no to clubbing during Freshers with your new housemates."

Seems like a fair excuse to me.

"I gave up being vegan half way through the year but didn’t tell anyone so I could always steal everyone’s cheese and sit smugly when they were bitching about whoever they suspected had thieved it. I used to run upstairs with my cheesy pasta so no one ever saw."

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"I videoed myself chewing up your pasta you left on the side and spitting it back into the saucepan so you could eat it later. I was buzzing when I saw you munching it the next day. I also used to take great pleasure in spitting on your bedroom floor everytime I walked past. (Don’t live with your Ex)"

"I used your cock ring with this random boy and I didnt clean it."

I don't even know what to say anymore.

"I literally just hate you all."