Settle – the deadest town in England

People settle in Settle


I come from a town called Settle. Heard of it? Probably not.

Tiny and hidden deep in North Yorkshire, the only people who really know about Settle are people from Settle. With a genuine lack of things to do and most of your neighbours being sheep, the only word to describe it is dead.

For any city-dwellers reading this who have never experienced country life, prepare to finally understand why small towns stay small.

Gruesome views

If sheep-childbirth outside the window doesn’t put you off your breakfast, the decaying corpses of squashed roadkill on your morning drive will.

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Your parents picking you up from house parties

Let’s face it, after downing five Smirnoff ices at a banging year 10 house party, the last thing you want to deal with is a car ride with mum and dad. Unlucky for you, you live in the middle of nowhere, meaning your parents’ car is the only option that doesn’t involve a £40 taxi.

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You learn to drive ASAP

The minute you turn seventeen you’re on that road, provisional licence in hand, ready to pass your practical quicker than any of your friends. The sense of freedom of finally not having to rely on your parents keeps you going as you brave those wiggly country roads with a foul mouthed instructor.

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Weird names

We live in between two villages called Giggleswick and Wigglesworth, a few miles away from Cockemouth. No, I’m not joking.

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Awkward night life

Settle has a grand total of three pubs, which is great! Unfortunately, being served by that guy who was in the year above you at school, awkwardly avoiding your ex-maths-teacher at the bar, and swerving drunken farmers are all experiences that happened on almost every visit.

Going out has never been so difficult

If you want to go ‘out-out’, make sure you plan at least a week in advance because the nearest club is about 20 miles away. Unless you want to be in bed by 9pm (the last train home is at 7:30) or sleep on the streets, you’re going to have to fork out for a hotel.

News spreads like wild fire

Has something exciting and/or embarrassing happened to you? Prepare for literally everybody you have ever met to know within a maximum of half an hour.

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You can’t leave the house without meeting someone you know

Walking five metres to the shop is impossible without stopping to have a chinwag. Even if by some miracle you don’t meet anyone on the way there, the likelihood is you’ll know the cashier.

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The last thing is something you’ll know if you come from a small town – no matter how much you loathed it in your teenage years, it’ll always have a special place in your heart.