Arguments you’re guaranteed to have when moving into your first student home

We need to talk

For most students, the laborious process of searching for a cosy-little-non-campus-home is underway. You’ve gone through the awkward stage of sorting out who you’re living with and – whether you like it or not – are about to embark on the even more awkward adventure of finding a home that is everyone’s cup of tea. Either way a fight is going to break out; and it’s usually going to be because of your fucking annoying housemate Jayson.

Arguing about the rent

Look Jayson, we get that you’re rich but not all of us come from the creme de la creme of families so please, for the love of God, reason with us. I’ve already wasted 75 per cent of my student loan on countless double rum and cokes with a side order of regret and the only remaining money I have left is from my gap yah back in 2014.

Arguing about who gets the best room

What the fuck Jayson you know I wanted that room with the view.

…and who gets the worst

This is usually the spitting image of Harry Potter’s under the stairs cupboard bedroom. A little out the way perhaps, and probably the result of a desperate attempt in knocking through someone’s old walk-in wardrobe.

If you’re lucky it’ll have a single bed with little to no walking space, and it’s typically allocated to the housemate who isn’t seeing anyone because obviously they don’t need the double. So in that case, make yourself at home Jayson.

Arguing about whether to live closer to town or to uni

Shut up Jayson no one gives a shit about the groovy, sophisticated vibes of town.

Arguing about whether the mould is really that bad

Honestly Jayson it’s like you’re wishing death upon me. Personally I’d rather not projectile vomit every time I see the stuff, but if you’d rather pay less dolla for the mould to holla you’re on your own there mate.

Arguing about whether a garden is a necessity

Tea parties are so last year, Jayson.

Arguing about whether trekking up a hill to get home is worth it

For some bizarre reason the best houses are always atop a fucking mountain. So Jayson, are you going to pay for an uber anytime we need to go anywhere remotely close then?

Arguing about whether milk and bread should be communal

New house, new you – in which case it’s time to go vegan and take up a wheat intolerance to save me having to share with you. To be honest I don’t want to face the disappointment of waking up to an empty carton/bread bin and a smug look on your face when you didn’t even pay for it.

In the wise words of Gordon Ramsay, if you want to use my bread you’re only allowed to make an idiot sandwich – otherwise buy your own 45p loaf from Aldi.

Arguing about which internet provider to use

There’s a need for speed in the student community, but there’s a hefty price that comes with anything that says ‘Virgin Media’ or ’12-month contract’ on it. “But I need to play Call of Duty with my boys and gaming just doesn’t work without fibre optic broadband”, I hear you cry, but here’s an idea Jayson – how about you and your ‘boys’ pay for the mahoosive bill that’ll be coming our way on top of the accidental charge for a TV license because you binge-watched EastEnders with your laptop plugged in.

Arguing about whether to have a cleaning rota or not

Right, I’m okay with you pissing all over the toilet seat Jayson but I’m not going to be there every fortnight to deep clean every part of the house you mess up after a house party. Conveniently, no one ever remembers when they took the bin out EVER, so it’s best to clean as seen on a rota.

Jokes aside, living in a house off-campus will be amazing (although a little less luxurious than halls) and an exciting step closer towards being a real adult. But seriously Jayson, if you touch my milk I’ll put laxatives in your coffee.