Why Revs Beaconsfield should be crowned the UK’s most tragic hometown club

Revs is a mixed bag to say the least. On Wednesday student nights, it’s jam packed full of wide-eyed 18-year-olds lapping up their first club experience, but on the weekends it’s a mecca for 25-year-old weekend warriors who haven’t managed to escape the Bucks bubble.

There’s a certain snobbery held by Revs goers – a “we don’t wear trainers or drink VKs in clubs because we’re too good for that” kind of snobbery. What makes Revs truly tragic is that its patrons act as if they’re off to an exclusive club in Mayfair for a mad one with the MIC cast when really they’re going to a Revs, just like every other Revs, and may bump into Conor Maynard or a footballer from the Wycombe Wanderers’ C team.

It reminds us of vibrant under-16 club nights that we went to in year eight, but with booze and drama added. It’s where the beautiful South Bucks elite go to dance unenthusiastically to bad music and impress each other with their good looks and Topshop dresses.

Going to Revs for the first time is an anticipated event for every Buckinghamshire teenager. Your mates in the year above have been going for a year and you listened to their escapades every Thursday morning throughout the summer with a green eyed envy. Then finally the day comes that you too can experience the sick tunes (which are definitely not that sick) and the flavoured shots (which I would call vile) and the ‘fancy’ cocktails.

The dance floor starts filling up with girls tottering around in heels attempting some kind of sexy dance moves but actually looking like giraffes learning to walk and trying not to flash their knickers to the rest of the club. As more and more alcohol flows and the night progresses, the attempt to retain dignity is abandoned. The girl who had spent hours perfecting her smokey eye will end up in the loos in a sobbing, snotty mess because she’s just seen her ex dry-humping another girl in a booth. Emerging from the neighbouring cubicle will be a bleary-eyed girl with a little bit of vomit stuck to her chin.

Just like every other tragic hometown club, the smoking area is a hotspot for school reunions and finally plucking up the courage to talk to the guy from college that you fancy. It almost resembles a swingers’ club with couples draped over each other in every position and the friends of the couple engaged in slightly awkward conversation but ultimately getting with each other in the end as well.

Despite everything though, we do love Revs. It gives us the illusion that we hold a certain amount of class and is a nice escape from the floors and ceilings in places like Winkers and Smokey Joe’s. It’s an excuse to dress up nicely, tell other drunk girls in the toilets how much we looooooove their dress and everyone away at uni already can’t quite wait for the first Revs back in the summer.

To vote for Revs Beaconsfield in The Tab’s search for the most tragic hometown club, click here.