The love-hate relationship you have with South Bucks nightlife

We’ve all learnt, one tragic venue at a time, that South Bucks won’t go down in history for its nightlife, but we’ve also learnt how to embrace it.

Revs – Beaconsfield

Going to Revs for the first time is an exciting occasion. You’ve heard all about the flavoured shots and your friends will definitely buy you the birthday cake one which is quite frankly disgusting. You’ll migrate en masse to the dance floor, where the choice of dance moves on a Revs night are the ‘my heels are too high wiggle’ and the ‘I don’t want to look too enthusiastic bop’.

There’s usually at least one girl in the loos with makeup and snot running down her face because she’s just seen her ex, but at least Revs has a veneer of class. There may be a couple engaging in some risky touching but at least it’s in dim ambient lighting on plush leather sofas so there’s some sophistication in the act.

Winkers – Chalfont St. Peter

Grab as many VKs as you can hold and head to the cheese room. It’s student night on Thursday at Winkers Farm and all the young’uns are out for a damn good time.

Despite everything, we’re all kind of proud that it was voted the most tragic hometown club and the news that it may be closing got to us on a personal level. What Winks lacks in quality, such as a low ceiling coated in sweat and frequented by Conor Maynard, it sure makes up for in character. There’s a free shuttle bus to neighbouring towns and a BBQ in the smoking area. It may be a shithole, but it’s our shithole.

The Cross Keys – Marlow

The pitcher of Slug and Lettuce two for one cocktails suddenly hits you like a slap around the face and you get a twitching sensation throughout your body. It’s time to dance. It’s time for the Cross Keys. You give the bouncer your fiver and head into the land of sticky floors.

The dingy atmosphere attracts the young and beautiful as well as the old and letchy. A night in the Keys is like a big school reunion as you’re suddenly best friends with the boys who were two years above you, or telling your year eight boyfriend that he broke your heart and it’s his fault you have no luck with love these days. Occasionally an ex-teacher will make a guest appearance too.

As the night continues, you’ll be sick in the loos and a fight will break out, but you know it’s all in good spirit so you ask the DJ to play Ignition for the sixth time while desperately avoiding that guy that you once matched on Tinder. The Keys’ license being extended to 3am was probably the best thing to happen to Marlow’s youth in a century.

Yates – High Wycombe

High Wycombe could be considered a hub for South Bucks nighttime activity, but realistically Yates is the only place to go. Sure, you’ll have a few drinks in The Falcon or O’Neill’s, but ultimately you always end up in Yates.

It’s a laugh – the music is shit but you expected that and you can work with it. It needs a lick of paint but it’s part of the character. You may have been a bit gutted when they got rid of the pole in there but they were really saving you from yourself which was very thoughtful of them.

Fever – Aylesbury

Fever is a funny place. You have to be next level smashed in Fever or else the presence of the creepy men standing around the edge of the dance floor looking at you is quite unnerving. The light up floor and cheesy bangers upstairs are a favourite, loved by all, but if you’re keen for some rhythmical dry humping to shitty chart music, downstairs is the place for you.

Thinking about it, you can’t help but smile and sigh at the tragic nature of the nightlife in South Bucks. Although we slate it, it’s the passion and dedication that always pulls us back to the sticky floors in the bustling metropolis of High Wycombe and to the barn on a country lane somewhere near Chalfont St. Peter.

We’re not going to host a club night for the history books, but we’ll remember how much we love our nightlife forever.