Let’s not lie, we’re not reading during reading week

‘Reading week’. It’s here. For those not in the know, this is a week without teaching where students are expected to catch up on the readings they haven’t done, take notes and work on upcoming assignments. In the real world, though, the opposite couldn’t be more accurate. Here’s what will actually happen.

You’ll go home for a few days

Your first thought about reading week will be that it’s basically a holiday, which it sort of is. Why stay at uni when you can go home, freeload off your parents’ kindness and devour as much food as you can get your hands on?

At least at home you’ll have a comfy bed that doesn’t feel like it has the supportive capabilities of a mid-game Jenga tower.

You’ll get completely engrossed in a Netflix series

You’ll tell yourself over and over: “I should really do some work”, but the latest series of Black Mirror has just come out and you know your priorities. Cue several days of binge-watching all those shows your housemates won’t shut up about. If you watch a documentary though, that counts as learning, so it’s not really procrastination.

You’ll get bored and try Tinder

Here we are. Peak procrastination. If you don’t already have the app, you’re bound to download it to breathe some excitement into your life – even if realistically the chances of you leaving the couch to meet someone new are practically zero.

Pretty soon, though, you’ll realise that all that right-swiping was a truly terrible idea and now you’re starting to match with people you a) went to school with (awks), b) share no interests with and c) aren’t even remotely attracted to. What a disaster. There won’t be long between you downloading the app and you declaring that you’ll never use it again. You know you’ll be swiping again starting tomorrow though.

You’ll go out. A lot.

Much to the dismay of your studious science degree housemates, you’re going to use this week to wreak some serious havoc on your liver. You’ll start going out on days you’ve never had the chance to before (Sunday night clubbing anyone?). Best of all, with no classes to attend, waking up when the clock says ‘PM’ will become second nature.

Sinking booze like a teen in Magaluf naturally goes hand-in-hand with 4am trips to Buddies – both of which will inevitably cause your BMI to reach heights only freshers’ week could manage.

You’ll eventually try to read something…

Face it. This once-in-a-term-time experience is almost at an end and the whole thing has got the better of you. Those daily hangovers have got you house-bound, so you might as well put your immobility to good use. Time to buckle down and actually do some long-awaited work. It’s not a big deal – read a few pages, write some notes. What could possibly go wrong?

… but you’ll fail miserably and realise what a waste of time it all was

By now, it’s the end of the week. You had your chance to be productive and do whatever it was your tutors kept advising you to do (something about a 4,000 word essay due in 2 days?). But don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s unlikely any of your fellow students actually used the past seven days particularly constructively either.

Reading week… what a sick joke.