Why it’s time to stop going to Patterns

Despite trying to drag your friends ANYWHERE else on the weekend, do you somehow ALWAYS end up at Patterns? I know how you feel. I’ve tried everything. Puppy dog eyes, vagina power, even me dancing on stage in another club (yes that happened) doesn’t seem to sway them. So here’s a list of reasons why it’s time to rip the bandaid off and try something else…anything else…please God. 

The queue is always really long

Trying to enter Patterns is traumatic. It seems like every time, without fail, the bouncers hold the queue. But…you have an advance ticket, you say? Back of the queue. You’re on the DJ’s guestlist? Back of the queue. You’re having a heart attack? You guessed it…back of the queue.

Tickets advertise coming early to avoid queues, as in, 10:30pm early. Free entry is also available, but only to the super super early (before 10:30pm).There must be a better system, it makes no sense. I would probably pay an extra tenner just so I don’t have to be crushed while coming up for an hour.

It’s not as cheap as other nights out

In my opinion, entry is expensive. Compared to most good weeknights which cost 3-5 pounds (OK, apart from Concorde 2) paying up to 20 quid every weekend is just too much for most students. Ok fine some nights can be £6, but only if you buy the first release. After that, prices go up and up. Second release for Giles Peterson set me back £12 for a 2 week in advance ticket.

Also, there aren’t any good student drink deals compared to other places. On Thursdays,  they do run a student night with cheaper drinks but drinks are still pretty expensive and people don’t ever seem as keen to go as on weekends. They also advertise free entry for this night but there’s a catch: you have to have an MFA membership card which was given out at the start of term, and the next sign up will be fresher’s week. Otherwise, it’s still £2 on guestlist.

It gets very crowded

Can’t even see the DJ he’s so fucking far away

Whenever I go, I can’t help but worry about how busy it feels. When I went there for Giles Peterson a few weeks ago, I couldn’t actually go to the toilet or get upstairs for nearly half an hour because the stairs were so busy. Fighting my way through the crowd left me dripping with sweat, not an ideal way to start an evening. A staff member for the club said: “Giles is obviously one of the biggest and best loved UK DJs out there so it’s unfeasible to get the ticket price down further and that one ended up being sold out, so it was definitely a busy night.” Ok, Giles was busier than usual but everytime I’ve been (which is every week) it’s been way too crowded.

Downstairs can get really hot

There’s even too much sweat in the air to take a decent photo

When Audio (what it used to be called last year) was turning into Patterns I thought, yeah great, they’ll make it more spacious, you’ll be able to breathe…but no. The downstairs literally hasn’t changed one bit. It’s still dark, gloomy and so hot that you’ll almost always end up upstairs, covered in sweat (again), which is ok for dancing but doesn’t work particularly well in your favour when you’re trying to chirpse.

My ‘sad cus I’m too sweaty to chirpse’ face

It’s actually quite boring

There are so many other things to do and better nights, but sadly they’re not as popular and don’t make enough money because everyone always goes to Patterns. I mean yeah I’ll very very rarely end up somewhere else but so far this year, I’ve spent almost all my loan at Patterns (and Bhindi’s) and I’m fed up. It’s time to head somewhere new. Or maybe it’s just time for me to get new friends. I do love the fuckers though. Look how fit they are as well (Numbers available on request.)