We deconstructed TripAdvisor’s bullshit review of Brighton line by line

TripAdvisor recently named Brighton as one of the top ten up and coming cities in the world. We were sixth in the world and third in Europe in the annual TripAdvisor awards that identify places growing in popularity according to feedback from millions of travellers.

But the ranking is complete bullshit. We decided to go through their glowing review to expose why they couldn’t be more wrong.

They said: “Home to two piers, a pavilion and plenty of other attractions, this quirky city on the UK’s south coast is a popular destination all year around with Brits and tourists alike”

Wow, firstly all I have to say is two piers, really? unless they are referring to  the concrete pile of shit in the marina; one of the piers is an inaccessible wrecked eyesore in the sea. Yeah no thanks, I’m not impressed. The newer Brighton pier is also hardly an attraction, except for those obsessed with minions and seagulls. “Quirky” is a vague description of this seaside town, ‘fucking dull’ and ‘full of freaks’ bear more accurate pictures of Brighton for me.

Just look at these beady eyed little shits eyeing up my food, getting ready to shit on passers by

They also said: “Londoners have been travelling to Brighton for beach getaways ever since the railway arrived here in 1841”

Good for them, as a Londoner I sigh as my train pulls in each time I return, there are much nicer places I could get a train to nowadays like Paris, which, being honest I don’t even like that much. However, in Paris it doesn’t constantly rain and their museums include the likes of the Musee d’Orsay and the Louvre rather than a toy museum or a fishing museum.

A child playing on the pier, but I didn’t give him change for the noddy ride so his enjoyment was short lived

Who has ever been impressed by a walk along the pier? I once took a girl to the pier, needless to say she stopped speaking to me (cry emoji). It has some shit shops, bad food stalls, a shit arcade (minions) and some rides, get over it. Its made of like wood and has massive gaps in-between each plank, say goodbye to your change, your phone and anything small enough to fit through, they’re all fucked.

Then there was this: “The pebbled beach, Brighton Pier’s amusement arcade and the Royal Pavilion are the main sights”

Oh the pebbled beach, only the bugs and insects that riddle the beach are worse than the unpleasantness of sitting on it. Don’t even get me started on the ‘amusement arcade’, there is nothing less amusing than obnoxious children running around out of control with their good for nothing parents doing nothing about it and again the minions, can the minions please fuck off.

Brighton pavilion is tasteless and over the top, I can’t imagine much more tacky than onion domes, no I don’t care who it was built for or when it was built. It’s a pastiche of Neo-Gothic and south Asian architecture and it’s just cringe. Tourists are better off walking around Sussex campus to admire good architecture, (that wasn’t an invitation; don’t do your touristy shit around campus).

In summary it’s not a top destination for tourists or for a holiday, its a top destination for being attacked and shat on by seagulls, rain, freaks, shit attractions and an overwhelming sense of boredom.