Seagulls are ruining our lives

Why can’t we have eagles instead?

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I write this sat in the library with my stomach rumbling, raging after the latest robbery by that pernicious predator of my lunch and general ruin-er of my life: the seagull.

As students of Sussex and in fact anyone who lives by the sea, we hold a different opinion of these birds.

To my Nan, they are reminders of the holidays. But instead of being the lovely reminder of proximity to the sea, they are to us a persistent, ballsy menace.

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I’d be smug too if I got free bagels every day

We all know the story: after purchasing a BLT, opening the packaging and preparing for the taste of bacon to delight your taste buds, a seagull will inevitably swoop down, unbeknown to you, and grab the BLT out of your hand. The cheeky bastards usually proceeded to eat it there and then just out of reach of furiously flailing limbs.

I’m not an advocate of guns, in fact I am the opposite, but in that split second I wanted nothing more than to pull a shotgun out of my coat, blow the bird’s head off and eat it instead of the dearly departed sandwich.

Seagulls are smart, too, and work in groups. A friend of mine was actually double-teamed by one. The story was similar, but with a bagel instead of the sandwich, where one gull hovered in front of her, providing a distraction, and while she held the bagel behind her head in an attempt to escape, the other swooped down and grabbed it from her hand. Both birds then went off gleefully sharing their winnings.

At the time, nothing was funnier. I almost choked on my own bagel laughing. Now however, I empathise. Something must be done.

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Over the past year, a few rare and beautiful eagles and general birds of prey have been spotted now and again over the South Downs. These graceful creatures do not scavenge on others hard earned sandwiches and do not sit on my windowsill at 5 o’clock in the morning making piercing and awful squawks.

I hereby offer a proposition. If one of these birds of prey were to take up residence on the Sussex campus, not only would students witness beautiful wildlife, normally only seen at the zoo, but the seagull would have a worthy adversary, and would have to either be more polite, or just plain fuck right off.