Pubs are awful – why would you go to one instead of a club?

Stop ‘pubbing’ 2k15

noad

I’m not really a pub person. Never have been, nor will be for the rest of my time in university at the very least.

Pubs don’t excite me, and by the look of them, they are not meant to- they look like heritage sites. Stepping inside a pub is like stepping into some period film set in the late Renaissance, with the characteristic floorboard-creak and low hum of human chatter all served in one “antique” package. Not a good vibe for turning up. The dim, amber lighting replicates, as I understand, the molten glow of fire-lamps in medieval taverns. The worn-out edges of wooden tables and chairs throw the place even further back into the dark depths of history. The bare hint of music almost stimulates the ears, but, then again, it’s not meant to. And while a row of beer bottles can look gorgeous under mock-firelight, what is the point of a pub?

If I wanted an authentic Renaissance-era experience, which I don’t, least of all on a night out, I would go to a museum. There is nothing wrong with sitting down with a group of friends in places as chilled as most pubs. It can be quite soothing and relaxing – a zone of decided non-stimulation. However, I do not associate alcohol with non-stimulation, and I don’t think any sane student does.

If I want to get smashed, which is the whole point of going “out out” anyway, I need to be stimulated (no sex jokes please). This means loud music, lights everywhere, the delightful stickiness of a club floor, and to be surrounded by crowds of dancers, both world class and totally shit.

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You will not catch me getting off my face sitting down at the pub. I’m the kind of drunk who’d prefer to hold a glass of double vodka and cranberry juice as my body beats to Delirious, or drink from the bottle as I slut-drop to Anaconda. Pubs, unfortunately, offer neither lit dancefloors nor shitty Minaj songs. They offer a place to unwind and socialise – a service which can also be fulfilled by cafes or common rooms. In the day time. For much less dollar.

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The idea of getting drunk while sitting down and having a chat seems absurd to me. This may be because, having lived in the Middle East all my life in a conservative family, I only encountered alcohol in house parties with disco-balls and student DJs, but I am convinced I’m not alone.

Alcohol is not something you relax with, it’s the party starter.  Alcohol is somehow intrinsically linked to the excitement which comes from choosing clothes for a night out, the smell of hair wax and perfume, planning where to pre-drink, heading out in the dark of night and, most of all, the dancing and club music.

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If you aren’t dancing, why the hell are you drinking? Stop pretending going to the pub is a top night out, you’re only lying to yourselves.