Croydon: The worst hometown in the UK?

It really is the pits


It’s common knowledge that most UK-based Sussex students came from somewhere in London. Tell someone else you’re from North London and they will deem you a proper Northerner.

I am no exception – I am born and bred in Croydon.

Having spent 18 years of my short life in “saaaf Landaaan”, I am qualified to tell you why it really is the shit stain of England.

The transport is fucked up

Buses come and go as they please, if they want to come at all. Trams are absolutely lethal. They’re slow, go on routes nobody needs to travel on, and have cost many a limb in accidents. Also, the bell is just annoying (scientifically proven). 

The people are fucked up

Recently, a Croydon man made the news for carrying on raving even after he lost a thumb, and quite a lot of blood.

Eight years ago, a kid at a local school decided it’d be fun to stab another student with scissors.

My mate also had her ponytail cut off by another kid on her bus. Not to mention that woman in New Addington who faked her daughter’s kidnapping, or that other woman in New Addington who let her partner murder her daughter and then stash the body in her attic.

Who wants to live in a town with these people?

You’re either in a crime-ridden slum or a sleepy village

West Croydon and South Norwood are literal ghettos, while the population of Shirley is exclusively pensioners, small children, and annoying dogs. Both lack decent shops. You can’t win.

At least we have buses…

I predict a riot

The famous London riots were at their worst in Croydon. Only in Croydon do you find the kind of low-life who will set fire to a family-run furniture store for the lols.

Throwback 2k11


The clubs are shit

Tiger is filled with 17 year olds with fake ID, grinding on each other while intoxicated with ludicrously overpriced drinks.

The other clubs?  Good luck with your night out, you’re gonna need it. You’ll have more fun visiting the massive Ikea which takes up half of Purley.