Drop the place: Sussex takes a tumble down league tables

It’s that time of year again: the university league tables are being published.

If you listen closely, you can hear a chorus of mouse clicks and sighs rebounding around the suburbs, coming from eager middle-class parents who are stalking these websites in packs, desperately trying to be informed as to the best choice for their precious sixth-form kids.

Sussex, sadly, has plummeted from last year from 31st to 38th place in the complete university guide’s overall league table, which may explain the excessive amounts of promotional posters for Sussex I have spotted plastered around on trains in London.

Our mid-table uni. We’re the Swansea City of higher education

The top three are Oxford, Cambridge and LSE. A massively disturbing shock plot twist, I am sure.

But some of the other facts are questionable to say the least.

For example, we Sussex folk now rank at 5 places lower than somewhere called ‘Heriot-Watt’. My first thought was ‘Heriot-what-the-fuck-where-is-that-do-they-even-have-a-university?’, but a quick google search proved that they do, in fact, exist.

We have been beaten by a University that’s so underground, you probably haven’t even heard of it yet. Bloody hipsters.

Heriot-Watt. And a lorry.

We are now also only a dangerous 1 place above Essex and 4 places above Swansea.

I have a mate who goes to Swansea and she has some horror stories, and frequently asks me weird questions.

One of the less shocking ones: “If a girl sleeps with a guy who is in a relationship, but then his girlfriend comes into her room and pisses on her multiple times, are the girls even?”

I’d like to think Sussex won’t stoop to that, but at this rate maybe it’s already too late. Waterproof your duvets, everyone.

Taking a look at the subject specific lists, there’s yet more bad news. Our Law school, formerly basking in the glory of 21st place, has fallen to 30th.

It doesn’t take a mathematician to work out that 36th place for Mathematics this year is statistically more crap than 29th place last year.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, the medical school has climbed 5 places from 30th to 25th, and the ranking for English has risen from 30th to 22nd.

What’s more is that 3 of the top 10 Universities overall are in London, and number 12 is Surrey.

I would rather go to Sussex than be in mountains of debt which would accumulate from the fact that I’m pretty sure you are charged for breathing in central London.

My friend at Surrey is always lamenting that he has to practically sell a kidney to afford a night out.

Besides, we at Sussex have character, which is both vital if you are not to be bored out of your wits and totally unmeasurable by league-tables.

At least we are still in the top 40: if we were a pop-song, we would still be played on the radio and in clubs.