Are Brighton’s club promoters the biggest tools on the planet?

We’ve only gone and interviewed a couple of fuckin’ promoters for Brighton’s newest night.

| UPDATED brighton club FAKE friday haunt promoter promoters

So tell us a little bit about yourself?

Basically this is our last shot. My long standing friend Felicio Del Horno and I have been making our way across the globe trying to make it big. You know, like super-stars such as The Pope or Kim Kardashian. And we heard that the mecca to do this was Brighton in the UK… And the fact we couldn’t afford to fly to LA.

What’s the night?

We manged to blag the bigwigs who own the Haunt into letting us do a hip hop, funk and soul party there on the last Friday of every month. We also had to give them our last £178. The night will be called FAKE, launching this Friday 28th March. We have the “Donuts” Resident Matt Tanner doing his thing and the enigmatic ladies man DJ TC alongside.

Why have you called it FAKE?

We put all the letters of the alphabet into a bag. Shook it. And then pulled them out at random. We didn’t want the name to be too long as people can tire when reading words of 5 letters or more so we stuck with 4. F A K E were the first four we pulled out. In that order.

So are you going to let people in with FAKE ID’s? 

We create our own FAKE ID’s as well as the club game, so we expect 90% of the people down to have them. If not, me and Felicio are gonna have words. Challenge 25 has been an absolute god send for us.

As promoters, if you were to promote an Oscar Pistorious range of guns, how would you go about it?

Probably run with the slogan, “Does exactly what you thought it would do.”

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?

Me and Felicio used to sell milk we stole from farms to the local homeless kids. There’s something slightly soul destroying about looking into a starving child’s listless eyes as you hand over gone off milk, for their last coins. The money was excellent though and we had a great couple of years.

Whats your opinion on the current possibility of a common fiscal policy in the Eurozone?

I’m less concerned with fiscal policy and more concerned about the money itself. When will we see Tom Hanks on a £5 note? Will we see completely blue notes in circulation? A3 sized notes? That concerns me greatly. Also I feel we are on the verge of triangular coins, which have been shamefully overlooked by the royal mint.

Fake boobs or fake bum?

FAKE boobs all the way, but if a lady wants to inject her buttocks with silicone to make her ass look like that of a horse, then I’m down with that too. Equality and all that jazz. I ain’t bumist.

If you could sum the night up in one dance move, what would it be?

I inherited a move from my uncle Joey called the “funky albatross”, which is a spectacle when done properly and thus fitting for FAKE. “Sometimes the funky chicken doesn’t quite cut it,” he would say. He later badly injured himself performing it at my first wedding, which resulted in him losing his job and ultimately his wife and kids. He might have taken it a little bit too seriously.

When you are promoting, are there people you steer clear of?

Mostly those with larger animals, because a cow, for example, takes up quite a lot of room in the club. Those with foxes or goats are always welcome. We also don’t tend to do much promotion for the night. There are so many childish and underhand tactics employed to promote these days and personally I deplore things on facebook.

Cheers mate, best of luck with your new night.

Have a butchers a FAKE’s Facebook page.

For more from the Tab, like our Facebook and follow our Twitter.