1

Turn up, unannounced, at 8:30am for a “quick look at the boiler”: no true student will ever answer the door at 8:30am, unless leaving for a 9am lecture. Remember, the property is yours and so rightfully, you should be able to turn up when you like.

2

Take forever to repair broken stuff. They have a roof over their heads, they’ll be fine. Don’t worry about mending that boiler right away, huge call out fees aren’t really necessary. And plus, that bloke in the pub said he would look at it for half the price.

3

When you do get round to repairing it, make sure you do the shittest job you can. It only has to last a few more months until they move out. Duct tape will be fine. If they cared enough, they’d mend it themselves.

4

Make house rules. No house feels quite like home until you have some house rules. No drying clothes inside is a particular favourite. These of course come with on the spot inspections, just to make sure everyone is obeying. Remember, it is your house after all.

5

Send workmen round without notice. They reported the problem, they nagged you to fix the broken shower, and then they moan that you sent someone round without telling them. Some people are so hard to please. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, best just to learn that now.

6

Charge extortionate rent. Students have loans just to pay for rent. The best way to squeeze the most money out of your soon-to-be-homeless-if-they-don’t-live-in-your-house-students is to work out how much their student loan is, add about £1500 on top of it and there, that’s how much you charge them. Even more of you managed to buy a house on the flat. And don’t even think of including bills in that. How will they learn what to do in the real world if you go and help them out now? Being Mr Nice Guy doesn’t get you anywhere.

7

Pick up every speck of dust on an inventory check-out. Check under every piece of furniture, down the back of the fridge and around the u-bend of the toilet. Any bit of dust, strand of hair or tiny speck of dirt you find, charge them at least a couple of hours cleaning. You already have their deposit, just rip it right out that. They probably won’t even notice. Going rate for cleaners is around £10 an hour, add a couple more pounds on for the inconvenience, and there you have it: you’ve earned yourself a tidy £30 pounds. That was easy.

8

Never answer your phone. It won’t be good news. No tenant ever phones up for a quick chat. Just because they are away from home and away from their Mum and Dad doesn’t mean you need to replace them. Sure the boiler has broken, it’s nothing that won’t wait until tomorrow, or after the weekend. You carry on having a nice cosy night in your warm house, as long you have hot food and hot water, nothing else really matters.

9

Don’t bother with a tenancy protection scheme. Have a nice holiday on the students. As long as you get some of the money back to them by, say, December or January, they’ll be grateful for anything at all. Make it seem like you are doing them a favour for giving it back

10

If they ever dream of paying their rent late, the penalties should be huge. Almost as much as the rent itself. If they never get punishments, how will they ever learn?