Am I a lad?

‘Lad culture’ is all about bonding with those dudes that just get you, they’re just like you, you’re ‘soul mates’ (get it). It’s all about taking advantage of your youth,  grabbing the bull by the horns so to speak. It’s all about downing as many jagerbombs as your battered liver can take or your loan can stretch, and sucking your mate’s ingrown toenail (cue the rolling eyes of 1000 girls) just because it’s fun. It’s all about exploring the females species and jumping into the Brighton sea at 2am because two fingers to hypothermia. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. What is wrong with ‘Lad culture’ is that underneath all the fun there are ominous undertones of racism, sexism, homophobia and much more…… most of the time (cue the applause). But you already knew that so I’ll spare you the dreaded feminist ranting and the like, even though boy can I go there but 800 words simply isn’t enough. Now get your hand off my buttocks so I can continue writing.

Good old-fashioned respectable courting, oh, but where’s his other hand?

However, let it not escape this article for one second that my main argument here is that ‘lad culture’, contrary to popular male belief, is annoying. That is fact.  Actually it’s more than annoying – it’s so irritating that it becomes blindingly unattractive to any female with more than 0.2 per cent of a brain cell. And that’s the type of woman you want ‘lads’, trust me.

I mean where do I  start. Is it some kind of biblical command to put ‘mate’ at the end of each and every sentence? You sound genuinely confused.  And is a little scrub of the teeth before leaving pre-drinks too much to ask? Have a little courtesy.  Ladies do not appreciate breath rife with the stench of vodka vomit breathing down their neck in a rather congested and already revoltingly sweat-laden Oceana. Yet you wonder why you have to lie about how many ‘birds’ you’ve ‘pulled’. And what about the homophobic jokes I hear you ask? Well you don’t seem to have a problem licking Nutella out of your best mate’s crack to resounding cheers from all your friends.  I’m definitely not saying that homosexuals or heterosexual people enjoy slurping condiments out of bottoms (however each to their own, you know)- but you see what I mean. It doesn’t exactly scream ‘straight’ now does it, which is ironic considering this is the image so desperately strived for.

Group of half-naked ‘lads’ in a very compact space… we’re all thinking it.

I realise I sound rather dull and maybe even a little crazy, but trust me I do have a sense of humour. Even the child in me can’t help but crack a smile when a tribe of ‘lads’ unleash mammoth farts on the bus to Coalition. However it does start to get tiresome after about the 11th one, naturally.

But it’s not like this isn’t funny

Phew. Rant over, because ‘lad culture’ isn’t all bad news. Much of it is utterly harmless, with many’ lads’ being stand-up guys who avoid descending into the dark realms of rape jokes and the like. As one interviewee of mine nicely put it ‘nearly all of them are warm and fuzzy on the inside’, and I couldn’t agree more. Additionally, I cannot even count on one hand how many times I’ve chatted to a typical ‘lad’ and been pleasantly surprised to discover amazing tales of round the world trips, of helping with the construction of schools in Ghana and of bonding with orphans in Burundi. It’s simply brilliant, so why the alcoholic hiccupping, sex pest and protein drinking facade? I just don’t get it.

*I must be a lad at all times*
*I must be a lad at all times*

However it is important to recognise that many so-called ‘lads’ are ‘lads’ because of peer pressure or insecurity and the fear of not conforming to an image of ultra-masculinity can often be overwhelming. This is something in particular that deserves more understanding and interrogation in our society, it has sadly not yet been properly acknowledged that boys need support too. Also it would be inaccurate to assume that all ‘anti-lad’ protestors are female. I did my research and a surprising amount of guys think ‘lad culture’ is the epitome of nauseating (I knew I couldn’t be the only one who can’t stand Danny Dyer). And not all lads are guys either…

Get that bottle of rosé down ya to see who’s the real man!

But let’s conclude by saying that as long as you stay away from stupid homophobic, sexist, racist,  rape jokes or behaviour then you’re a pretty alright dude. Although you score top marks for un-liking the ‘Lad Bible’ on Facebook and not participating in mindless football chanting (a personal pet peeve). Then perhaps faith can be restored, just about.

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