Things girls say that are completely petrifying

Help. Please, someone, help


1. “Which one looks best?”

Jesus Christ…Are you kidding me? She stands with two perfectly identical dresses in her outstretched hands and glares at you. You start to sweat like a catholic priest in a playground… “That one!” you triumphantly declare with all the fake assurance you can muster. “This…one?” she mumbles disappointedly. “No, of course not! I meant the other one!”… “Really? Why?”… “It looks good!”… “Good?”… “Yeah, like really good!”… “I should look better than good! am I not sexy? Do you not find me sexy?!”… “I do! Fuck, shit, of course, you look amazing, too sexy!”… “So you’re saying I look like a slag?”

Tab Fact: Scientists have proven that there is in fact no right answer to this question.

What do you mean this one’s too revealing?!

 2. “My parents want to meet you”

Shit. We’ve only been shagging for 3 weeks, what the hell is this? Have her parents already finalised the reception menu for your wedding? Because if so you’d really like to have those little sausages on sti- No! I’m not ready for this, how the bloody hell is this normal, we’ve only had sex around 50 times, I have no idea if I even like you yet, what the hell is going on here? Oh your dad is a retired army colonel? Oh he collects swords? Oh for fuck’s sake.

TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME… sir…

 3.“Can we just pop into Topshop?”

Like the beautifully scripted, self-sentencing last words of a horror film victim you innocently mutter, “why not?”… 2 hours later and the whole day is ruined, you’ve missed the 3pm kick-offs, your single mates are all sending you snapchats of pints of carling and chilli peanuts and having the time of their lives mocking Rooney’s hair. Meanwhile you’re here, in Topshop, alternately balancing your weight on one leg and then the other, occasionally drooling over the blonde on the tills and using all your energy to summon a completely over-enthusiastic smile for your other half every time she pops her head out of the changing rooms.

I was just… erm… seeing how this would look… on… me?

 4. “Fine”

Adjective: often followed by screaming, shouting, crying, and a general unhappiness about everything.

I told her what you did. Now we both hate you.

 5. “It happens to everyone”

Don’t be stupid. We all know George Clooney doesn’t stumble in drunk from Oceana and rub against his girlfriend’s leg like a horny dog, clumsily humping everything between her thigh and her kneecap while roaring ferociously and accidentally punching her in the face a few times before she wakes up and angrily acquiesces to his caveman demands for vagina. And we’re sure Clooney most certainly does not then groan like a wounded boar 30 seconds later and flop to his side of the bed with a muttered apology. “It happens to everyone” she might say, but you know it doesn’t. In fact you’re positive that no matter how drunk Clooney is, when he finishes his business he’s customarily greeted with a round of applause and his own public holiday.

Your side is already cold…

 6. “When’s my birthday?”

Oh you don’t think I know? Haha well of course I know! It’s the err… januummmayaaaaprebbbruaroccctoodecemmmsssssssssofa for me tonight.

Guess it faster if you want to avoid that glass making contact with your stupid face

 7. “I met a really cool guy at the gym today…”

Oh you did? Yeah? Cool, oh he’s a student too? Oh he had a really cool American accent? Oh cool yeah, that’s awesome, did I mention how cool that is? No of course I don’t mind if you spot for him while he benches. He sounds great, did you tell him about me? Maybe I should meet him? Me, sarcastic? Yeah well he doesn’t sound that great to be honest. Jealous? Me? Please… I bet he sounds like an idiot, yeah I bet I bench more. Me? overreacting? Oh I should chill out he was cool? I haven’t even met him yet? I don’t give a shit, I’m sure he’s great, I’m sure he’s cool, I’m sure he voted for Obama too, I still don’t like the prick.

Whatever. Bet he couldn’t even lift me

 8. “Do something!”

Whether it’s a terrifying fingernail-sized spider invasion in the bathroom or she’s just got an eyelash stuck in her eye, the words “Do something!” strike fear into your bones. You panic, wave your hands and make a half-surprised/ half-panicky facial expression like you’ve just heard someone knocking on the door at 4am. The pressure mounts, the demands grow louder, and then the spider seems to be able to reach warp speed across the floor as she screams at you to “KEEEL ITTTTT!” Or you find yourself inevitably poking her in the eye and getting a solid kick to the balls while trying to retrieve the escaped eyelash.

If you were better at cooking this sort of shit wouldn’t happen, now would it?

 9. “We need to talk”

Gulp… This is it…She’s definitely found that text, or maybe she’s finally seen your browser history… Oh crap maybe she knows you didn’t really have trials for West Ham…Has someone told her that when you were “at your mums for dinner” last Thursday you were in fact at the pub for the England game? Is she pregnant? Did she find a used condom in the trash? Shit, maybe she found your Peter Andre CD… Is she a lesbian? Maybe she’s dumping you, oh fuck are you being dumped? By a girl? Here it comes, oh God how embarrassing you’re about to be dumped by a girl…

“I’ve got chlamydia.”

Not a snapchat you want to receive…

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