This year, Sussex ranked 34th in the national league tables for English… just below Essex. That’s right: we don’t speaky de English as gud as Essix… the place what invented “reem.” Srsly guyz?

With this in mind, it’s hardly surprising that the general state of things has gone to the bloody dogs. I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey. Not all of you will make it out alive. I accept no blame for the level of offense which you are about to experience. Take my clammy little hand, and let me show you the kinds of disgusting language which I experience on a daily basis across this campus, spreading like some form of horrible plague through the thronging masses of our great establishment. (Please still be my friend…)

Literally

Eg. “Oh my God, East Slope was literally explosive last night.”

No. No no. No it wasn’t. Frankly it might do everyone a big favour if it were, but it wasn’t. What you mean is it was LITERALLY moderately busy and/or about a 7 on the fun scale. It was FIGURATIVELY ‘explosive.’ You people make me SICK (figuratively.)

Bathroom selfie. We are literally 12 years old. Literally.

Ironic

Eg. “How ironic is it that I have a 9am on Fridays? That’s literally the morning after Secret Discotheque.”

Depending on your viewpoint, and the level of social exclusion with which you are happy to continue your odd little existence, this is at most unfortunate. Maybe you’d be better suited looking up the definition of your festering words rather than flinging your vocabulary chunder all over my face. Well done for using literally correctly though. You get half a point, and I probably won’t throw my drink at you.

We’ve literally managed to fit 5 people in one coalition photobooth. #IRONIC

Basically

Eg. “Basically, what Nietzsche is trying to say is…”

Ok, Dr. Ba Ma Phd Bttr Thn U, let’s cut the sass. I honestly don’t know who should be schooling whom at this point. Unless you are actually Nietzsche which, judging by your embarrassing inability to even grow a suggestion of a twat goatee, you are very much not, no one has ever found anything he said anywhere near basic. Nothing anyone has ever said about anything anyone learns at university ever is basic ever. You know it. We know it. Please give us credit; we genuinely are as thick as we look. Don’t try and summarise the world in a sentence.

Exhibit A: Student reduced to jibbering mess by over simplification of life by non-medical doctor.

Technically

Eg. “Technically I’ve not learned my * insert important learning thing which you learnt before you even knew you’d learnt it * yet, but I will.”

Now see, I love that our relationship is so mutually beneficial. I assign the majority of all the hours of my life to ensuring you get the most out of your Bentley of a degree, whilst you teach me that there are apparently many stages of learning, which I had no idea about. It goes: not even thought about beginning to learn, considering thinking about beginning to learn, beginning to learn, taking a tea break, carrying on learning, more tea break, still not learnt, oh balls balls shit balls I’m meant to have learnt this by tomorrow, more tea and possibly a line of crack if you’re feeling particularly on edge, TECHNICALLY not learnt and so on. So tell me, little padawan, where exactly do you lie on the scale of LIES? Yes, I thought so.

Technically this is legitimate market research. I needed to know what I would look like as a Lego man before I could proceed…

Secret

Eg. “Did you know the co op has a secret security man?”

Yes. Yes I did. Because he’s about as subtle as a year 9 trying to sneak a hip flask onto a school trip to the Somme. Dude, you’ve been standing staring at the tampons for an hour and a half now; your flow is neither super nor super plus. Go back to doing what you do best and stand on the door wearing your big scary man costume. Far more dissuasive (Good word, that. Hope I used it right.)

For more from the Tab, check out our Facebook and Twitter.