Instagrammed Brighton: Filter Fabulous

With all of the technical advancements of the 21st century, most university students can be thankful that they predominantly escaped the disastrous combination of picture networking and the awkward experimentations of 14 year olds. I refer more specifically here to Snapchat. We got away with an overkill of gamma and a tad of contrasting on our black and white MSN webcams. Or so we thought.

Despite all of the odds there still seems to be a considerable number of adult offenders who learnt nothing from their Bebo accounts. No longer can they hide behind pretences of pre-pubescent ignorance, on the contrary, they proudly pout whenever the opportunity for a selfie presents itself. Which unfortunately happens all too often. In the gym… again? Keep it coming. Bought a new beanie? Not unless you upload it you haven’t. Sat in the car with your seatbelt done up? Thought provoking. We live in a world where unless you post every intimate thought and detail of your life, then the whole thing (your life, that is) is pretty much invalid.

In fact it now seems we must indeed aspire to be the very breakfast-lunch-dinner-and-dessert-documenting photographers we have previously cringed over. However before you race to follow their inspirational lead be warned: posting a picture that hasn’t been edited to picture perfection, worthy of Leibovitz, is as utterly pointless as not posting one at all. You need to be flawless. You need to be glossy. You need to be someone who does not vaguely, if at all, resemble you.

Ultimately this means that as great as you look online, with your impossibly deep cut abs, pearly white teeth and luminous skin of everlasting light, the real you can be vaguely disappointing. Even to yourself. But in a world where real life is subpar to its cyberspace equivalent, does this really matter? No. Of course not. So to those mirror loving muscle machines who pump iron every day and rarely shed a tear on leg day: Quit the Creatine because those editing filters you’re using are working just fine. Keep ‘em coming.

Still don’t believe that little old you could hope to become a picture perfect portrait? Then take hope from these Instagram edits of some of the nastiest (and most common) Brighton finds which prove you don’t actually have to be beautiful to… er… be beautiful.

The hallmark of all student-let properties. Mould. But looking kinda cute. All because of filter ‘1997’.

The party never ends with ‘Walden’ filter, lightening up those tired eyes and making your skin look as clear as the puddle water here.

HOW adorable does this tiny toilet look? On Instagram. With ‘Willow’ filter. In real life it’s sure to wrench your lunch from your stomach. Avoid at all costs.

‘Earlybird’. It fixes all manner of sins. Whether it’s pale skin or a dead pigeon covered in cigarette butts. Don’t forget to use the blurring feature to soften up your bird corpse!

Nobody knows how long this cake has been here. We do however know that with the addition of trusty ‘Brannan’ it still appears edible. Proceed with caution.

So there you have it. Unless your face is less desirable than a public toilet, Instagram is going to work miracles. Oh and if you want to take your trickery a step further: Delete every photo from your Instagram account and upload them all to Facebook instead. Everyone will think you’re a totally natural beauty and you can hashtag things like #justwokeup and #nomakeup. It’s the perfect crime. 

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