Seven people you find at uni gyms

January saw many of the student population shunning alcohol, sustaining themselves on a “delicious” diet plan of lettuce, air, fry light, and a little more air to boot, and of course hitting the gyms – anything for a resolution, eh? Crazy bastards.

A peek into the campus gyms during January was far from a sight for sore eyes, and poor little journalistic me ran time and time again into this bunch…

Miss perfect

She has been on the treadmill at approximately level 25000 for a whole 120 minutes and has not even broken a sweat. Her hair is perfectly coiffed, make up so immaculate she may as well have been airbrushed, and is clad head to toe in pristine new Nike gear. Bitch.

Allergic to cardio

Usually male, consists of at least 90 percent muscle. The weights room is his territory to bullshit about protein and shoot deadly looks at anyone not bench-pressing the equivalent of quadruple their own weight (minimum).

Cardio queen

These ladies have been on that cross trainer so long they may as well be paying rent.

The perpetual geek

These guys are just glued to their textbooks, and are somehow taking it all in while taking the equivalent to a hike up Kilimanjaro. Kudos to you, you total lunatics.

The lazy ass

The “I’ve been pedalling my bike with no resistance at all for TEN WHOLE MINUTES now, and I’m only going to eat a Twix after this, I don’t understand why I’m not in shape yet?!” person who we all love to hate.

The revolutionist

Those January newbies who just love to hog all the equipment. Their species is distinguishable by their overly new gym attire and tendency to fake knowing how to use the machines without looking like they’re gonna end up with something amputated.

The oldie but goodie

Is that the lecturer from last week? You never wanted to see them in gym shorts. You never expected them to be able to squat that much. Lord help us student “whippersnappers”.