The famous five: the celebrity-backed student protesters taking the globe by storm

The list of celebrities and notables backing the Sussex 5 is growing on a daily basis. Here is our run down of who said what, why and when.

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Cara Delevingne. Frankie Boyle. Geoffrey Robertson QC. Caroline Lucas. Will Self. Peter Capaldi. Mark Steele. Peter Hain. Noam Chomsky. Ken Loach. The most amusing ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother line up yet? Not far off. Next season’s opening Come Dine With Me episode? I wish.

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The Sussex 5 have just received one of those “if you happen to get that dry mouth thing, just think of all the luck stuffed inside this card etc etc” notes signed by over 388 notable figures, including 207 academics and professors from across the globe.

The icing on the metaphorical cake? An early-day-motion has also been tabled in Parliament about the Famous Five and their derailed disciplinary hearing. All they need now is for Girls Aloud to reform, and re-dedicate Stand By You, and organize some form of Live Aid (Feel free to call it Five Aid) from the balcony of Bramber House.

All together in E Major now: I will go down with this shit. I won’t put my hands up, or surrender.

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So, in the (very slightly paraphrased) words of Jean Val Jean, who would almost certainly back the movement if he were A) alive and B) real, tell me quickly what’s the story, who said what and why and when?

Cara Delevingne

Owner of Britain’s most persuasive abs, the Secret Angel’s eyebrows are a protest in themselves. The five received an early Christmas Cara-d in December when her 1.5 million followers saw her take a break from lingerie to broaden her niche (pardon the pun) and take a stab at being the new Che GueCara. Snaps for Delevingne.

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Caroline Lucas

Generally branded as ridiculous as soon as she admitted to taking a stone from Brighton beach during her election campaign, the Green Party MP for Brighton and Hove regained her composure and tweeted her support for The Five within days of Delevingne. Surely I can’t be the only one who’d like to see them swap jobs for a week or three?

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The Argus

Last week The Argus published a report claiming that it had cost the uni £27,000 to evict the Five from the campus. Frankly, if you want to move five people quickly and effectively, and you’ve got £27,000 to spare, at least do it in an amusing way. May I suggest eviction by slip ‘n’ slide, or by one of them there Hunger Games grabby helicopters?

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Frankie Boyle

Sussex graduate and infamous comedian Frankie Boyle took a rest from insulting Olympians’ water shifting nasal power just long enough to urge his followers to fight for the right when he tweeted his support for the campaign and shared a propaganda video in April of last year.

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Mark Steele

Journalist and comedian come Motivational Speaker Mark Steele has written an article for The Independent on the movement and The Five, in which he expresses his surprise that “the management” locking the occupiers into Bramber House didn’t actually have that calming an effect on the general mood. He debates the issue of privatization with a Steeley composure. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve read so far this year… but then I do spend the rest of my time reading about Aristotle’s opinion on Greek Tragedy so… swings and roundabouts.

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Geoffrey Robertson QC.

Mr Robertson, the “Knight in Shining Armani,” who has previously represented such revolutionaries as Julian Assange and Mike Tyson, is currently representing The Five through their hearings, the first of which was termed a shambles when it had to be stalled on account of claims of bias. Robertson: 1. World: 0.

Other big names fighting for the five include Will Self, writer and television personality (but then, technically, the same could be said of Chantelle Houghton,) Bafta and Academy Award winner Peter Capaldi (best known as the generally cross Scot from The Thick of It,) Peter Hain, who has served in cabinet under both Tony Blair and Gordon Brown (and therefore really ought not to be trusted,) Ken Loach, television and film director (and no stranger to a spot of radicalism after his 1995 film Land and Freedom,) and Noam Chomsky, who is often described as “The father of modern linguistics” (whom I have nothing scathing to say about. Sorry.)

The Tab would also like to show their support by recommending a playlist of motivational songs for The Five to listen to during their months of banishment. Know that we are doing daily little interpretive dances in your absence.

  1. Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive
  2. Michael Bublé – Home
  3. Pink Floyd – Another Brick In The Wall
  4. 5ive – Keep On Moving
  5. Amy Winehouse – Back To Black
  6. Cast of Wicked – Defying Gravity
  7. Jo Jo – Get Out (Leave)
  8. PJ & Duncan – Let’s Get Ready To Rumble
  9. Kelly Clarkson – Since U Been Gone
  10. Black Eyed Peas – Where Is The Love?