5 Types of people you meet in seminars

University is a hub of diversity. This is our top 5 cliché character profiles.

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Seminars can be a daunting place; its early, you’re hungover, you might even have to do a presentation. The collection of mouldy characters in your class makes the whole thing harder. Here is our insight into the strange personalities we all have seen across the table…

1. The eager-beaver

This McLovin look-a-like has done three weeks reading in advance. Possibly named Terence, his hand is more erect than George Osborne during a fiscal reduction lecture. Terence has his whole life planned, but was breast-fed until puberty. Sexually, he prefers URL to the cowgirl, but one day, his knowledge of cognitive-biological-anthropology will get him laid.

HOW TO SPOT: The teacher will say “why don’t we hear from someone else in the class”.

A festive eager-beaver

2. The Gap Year

You don’t want to get paired up with ‘the gap year’. Probably renamed herself ‘Whisper’ whilst in the Tanzanian jungle; Whisper believes she knows more than David Attenborough and can tell a story better than Stephen Fry. This bag of fluff is all rhetoric and no substance, and she will end up not saving the environment in east-Tibet, rather earning £32,000 running a CarpetRight.

HOW TO SPOT: Hippie pants, dread-locks, and an animal tattoo.

A rare sighting of a male and female gap-year rehearsing their tribal rain dance

3. The fit one

The Lois Lane to my Clark Kent, the apple to my crumble, the Rogan to my Josh. There is a high chance her name begins with a vowel. Her knowledge may be as pertinent as soya sauce, but she has a nice face so we forgive her. You added her on facebook in week 4, but she still hasn’t accepted. The kind of girl so fit you would dangle your balls in hot tarmac just to be put in a group with. Alas, she has a boyfriend named Drew already in third year.

HOW TO SPOT: Attracting eyes since 2009.

Julie… Norwegian exchange student… Took my heart all the way back to Oslo

4. The BNOC

Might be his third time tackling 1st year, might only be his 1st. He doesn’t have a name, he is merely known by his mighty feat; ‘the guy who shat on the Oceana dance floor’, ‘the guy who can suck his own willy’, or ‘the guy who herded a pheasant into the Co-op’. Contrary to what he may think of himself, he has the sex appeal of a 2 month out of date Asda SmartPrice dried apricot. The BNOC may be thick as pig-shit, look like a rugby player in drag, and be as relevant as the fifth series of Skins, but he earned his place in that Sport & Leisure Management course.

HOW TO SPOT: In the bar, before, after, and possibly during a seminar.

The BNOC can also be spotted by their chronic wearing of rugby shirts

5. The too cool to speak

Definitely smokes roll-ups, definitely peaked in high school, and definitely wears a hat in-doors. The kind of guy who is named Jonathon, but everyone calls him Jed. During the one time you spoke to him, he probably mentioned how Bowie fingered him mum in the 80’s. This walking-talking smegma may be brighter than Lindsey Lohan under a UV light, but we’ll never know, because he’s busy being 4 minutes and 37 seconds late to every seminar.

HOW TO SPOT: Skates, DJ’s, or worked behind a bar in Soho.

So trendy it hurts to smile