The rules you must abide by if you go on a lads’ holiday this summer

Don’t pursue the holiday romance

Many cultures have rituals and challenges that a young man must undertake in order to pass from boyhood to manhood. In an ever changing, growingly culture-less and Godless world, how do the boyish youth of Britain define their coming of age?

In the modern land of Hope and Glory, the lads holiday is where where our pubescent soul goes to die. I can assure you that neither Hope or Glory can be found on the dance floors of Zante or Maga. If you and the fellas plan on taking the big leap this survival guide may be of some use to you.

Manage your expectations, you won’t be needing so many condoms

There’s no use in packing enough johnnies to halt the spread of all sub-equatorial venereal diseases when you struggle say hello to girls back in Scunthorpe.

Don’t get a pedalo and peddle out to the middle of the ocean when you’re all hungover

You’ve just woken up still feeling the positive effects of last night’s big adventure and Jamie thinks it’s a good idea to go down the beach and get a pedalo. You’re a bloody genius Jamie! Why can’t you be as adventurous as Jamie?

You’ve peddled 300 metres from the shoreline, the alcohol has worn off, the hangover has kicked and George’s once funny sunburn has evolved into the very worrying early stages of heat stroke. None of you have the energy or hydration levels to peddle this shambles back to shore. You’re a prick Jamie! Why won’t you stop with the ridiculous alcohol fuelled suggestions Jamie?

Prepare for petty squabbles and attempted murder

On the first day it’s you and the lads against the world. By day three you can cut the tension with a kebab knife and by day seven you’re on the most awkwardly plane journey of your life.

Expect some heavy bills for when someone inevitably breaks the bed in your hotel room

So you and the lads worked out your budget on the flight in £X on drink, £X on food, £X on pedalos etc. You may believe you have prepared for every possible eventuality, but you are wrong. What about the £250 fine for chundering in the hotel pool? What about the £120 clinic bill to treat the alcohol poisoning?

Life is not a romcom, so do not pursue the holiday romance

So one of the lads in the year above met a French girl on his gap year in Australia who he still maintains a healthy relationship with. For some reason I don’t think the same outcome will occur with you and Hannah from Leigh-on-Sea. You’ll inevitably exchange a few texts and have your fair share of seemingly romantic Skype dinners before she decides that she’s better off with someone from her home town.

Don’t bullshit to try and impress a girl

It’s all good and well telling the girl you just met that your Dad is Richard Branson. However when she comes back to your two star self-catering hotel she will almost certainly know your that it has all been a ruse.

Don’t fall in love with the rep girls, they don’t like you, not one bit

Harry really isn’t used to female attention; after all this is the same guy who changed his relationship status to “it’s complicated” when Ella asked to borrow a pen in Year 9. Along comes the remarkably stunning Geordie girl with a handful of ‘free shot and free entry’ flyers. She gives him more attention than he’s used to and it is in this moment that Harry falls in love.

The next day you walk in on him doing the unimaginable in his hotel room – he’s on the phone to UCAS seeing if it’s too late to change his first choice to Newcastle.