Mayhem, Southend-on-Sea, is the naughtiest night out in the UK

You’re not a seasider unless you’ve partaken in £2 drinks before midnight


My Eardrums are deafened by the bassline of the 2015 summer hit ‘House every weekend’. Every footstep I take is a battle as I lift the soles of my prized suede loafers, one foot in front of the other. In the distance the seemingly silhouetted image of Umbro wearing shufflers whose jaws have an unmistakable twitch about them reminds you that the 80’s may not be dead after all.

This is (literally) Mayhem… nightclub in Southend-on-Sea.

Every night at Mayhem is a rodeo

Hordes of Essex’s drunken revellers have been descending upon the luminous dancefloors of Mayhem since the dawn of top knots. Here, all stereotypes and misconceptions that people have of Essex boys and girls are on show for all to see.

That becomes more and more apparent to me when in the seemingly endless queue to enter the club I can’t count on two hands the amount of times I hear “Oi Oi”, “pull” and “she’s decent”.

The toilet attendant reminds me that if I fail to “spray” I shall fail to “lay” so I then to proceed to place 50 pence on his plate. I get back in amongst the ladies – and other 127 boys also wearing one million by Paco Rabanne – only to find the girl I was just dancing with, engaged in a vertical dry hump with a guy who looks like he’d fit right into the cast of Kidulthood with no issues.

I ponder whether or not I too should trade in my chinos for a pair of oversized True Religion Jeans, so not to come second best again.

Getting in and amongst it in

Much like an African watering hole there is dehydration fuelled competition at the crowded bar. A young, boisterous geezer can be seen offering to pay for the mass of strangers’ drinks so he can pretend he’s the Spencer Matthews in a sea of downmarket James Argent’s and soak up all  the short lived female attention.

It is more than likely that this self-titled “lad’s” name is David (Daz), Terence (Tel) or Gary (Gazza). The amazon has lost three acres of lush rainforest and three icebergs large enough to sink the Titanic have melted to maintain his noughties quiff.

Even his slurred, charming words are not capable of disguising his drunken eyes. He shall enjoy his moment in the disco-ball spotlight for roughly three more hours – three hours and three minutes of inebriated pleasure if he’s lucky enough to pull. He shall awake the next morning to a hangover Russell Brand would’ve been proud of in 2007.

The question posed by his battered brain cells to his melancholy mind is not “To be or not to be?” but rather “do I or do I not tell my parents I’m £349.57 into my overdraft?”.

#LADS #LADS #LADS

Mayhem is a part of what it means to be young in Southend-on-Sea, one is not a seasider unless one has partaken in £2.00 drinks before midnight. It is the place where that every resident of this great town eagerly anticipated their 18th birthday so that they could finally stop asking their older siblings if they can borrow their ID (and then not get in anyway).

Whether you’re Leanin’ and Boppin’ under the rouge room two lights brushing shoulders with the black puffer jacket wearing road men, blaring out “Mr. Brightside” with the lads in room one or having an argument with your ex in the smoking area: there is always something going on in Mayhem.

In the words of Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun”

It has brought life, laughter and memories to what used to be mundane Mondays. In spite of the fact that you’ve told every one of your uni friends that you “Can’t stand It” you will still text your friends “Mayhem tonight?” upon your return home.

Although there may have been times where you’ve asked yourself “Am I too sober for this or is this just the worst place on the planet?”, it is the spiritual home of all true Shrimpers (residents of Southend-on-Sea for the uniformed). Regardless of your opinion on this infamous watering hole, you cannot help but smile when the lights come on and the bouncers have to get aggressive to quiten the chants of “Yaya, Yaya Yaya, Yaya Yaya, Yaya YAYA TOURE”.

Long live Mayhem Nightclub.