Revealed: The most tragic hometown club in the country

Over 32,000 of you voted

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Regional clubbing is defined by cheap drinks, poor music choice and locals. The Tab recently conducted the biggest nightclub poll the UK has ever seen in search of the most tragic hometown club. There were over 40 submissions, and an impressive 32,759 votes to crown the winner.

10: Liquid in Windsor

Number of votes: 1,026

To a certain extent, this club was magical. It had the power to unite the Slough Grammar with the Eton College. Something about Liquid encouraged people to put aside their differences to embrace the sweaty pool of sixth formers that waited for them inside.

9: The Diamond Tap in Newbury

Number of votes: 1,071

Residents of Newbury and surrounding Berkshire area tell themselves they will never return, but they always do: because they love the cheap drinks, cheap thrills, and the dirty feeling you get when you wake up from a night at The Diamond Tap.

8: Fusion in Canterbury

Number of votes: 1,197

Fusion is that one mate you have who’s 23 and his girlfriend’s 17, but insists age is just a number. Fusion is that friend you have whose first time was her boy best mate in the toilets at the park before he started trying it on with her best mate instead. Fusion is girls insulting bisexuality by getting with other girls for male attention. Fusion is an old man who mutters suggestive comments under his breath and pinches the nurse’s arses. If Fusion was a person it would be all of the above and more.

7: Air & Breathe/Zens in Dartford

Number of votes: 1,333

There are ballroom stairs, but all the girls in there are anything but princesses – likewise there are lines and lines of Grey Goose bottles behind the bar, but you’ve never actually seen anyone buy one.

6: Pryzm in Kingston

Number of votes: 1,596

Yes, it does cost nine pounds to get in. The main room is a theatre, where a chandelier hangs, waiting to drop. It smells like desperation and, as you look around, as you are assaulted by the question “why”, you start to realise there will be no redemption here. Not for you, not for anybody else.

5: Club NEO in Yeovil

Number of votes: 1,855

The patrons of club NEO are exclusively vulgar with a D- in English, looking to get as fucked up as possible. Sure, some big names have made appearances – if you can call Tinchy Stryder, Mark Wright and Amy Childs big. Everything at Club NEO screams out-of-touch. Even the resident DJ on a Friday night who plays “the best in dance and R&B” goes by the saddening name of DJ Clifty.

4: Oceana in Watford

Number of votes: 1,963

With a select clientèle of Herts Sports Science students, 30-year-old milfs and plumbers called Gary, Oceana really is quite tragic. The VIP room is where you’ll find the worst of the bunch – overeager estate agents blowing a week’s wages on a bottle of Veuve to impress the sixth formers who are pretty enough to get the wristband, after arriving at 10:30 to get in for free through WooWoos.

3: Batchwood in St Albans

Number of votes: 2,313

It could be the glossy chandelier casting a shadow on the dancefloor, the towering vodka Coke-stained dancing podiums (RIP) or the tackily astroturfed smoking area which literally sells burgers: there’s no club in the world that quite matches up to Batchwood’s sheer shameless tackiness, even if the smelly carpets are a thing of the past. And whether you’re a Disco Room fanatic or prefer to order in a bottle in the Grey Goose lounge, one thing’s certain: you’d still go every fucking Friday if you could.

2: Casino in Guildford

Number of votes: 2,368

The dancefloor is stickier than you remember, the VIP sections less glamorous and even the palm-tree’d smoking area has lost its shine. There’s some youths in bench jumpers and money jeans. The guys you went to uni to avoid are there, and while there may be an occasional banger played downstairs, at the end of the day it’s the shittest thing about Guildford and you’ll never understand why every beauty therapist from Fleet to Carshalton pays £40 for a cab just to try and charm their way into a place to stay so they don’t have to do the 20 mile trek home.

1: Winkers in Chalfont St Peter

Number of votes: 2,677

We can now reveal the most tragic hometown club is Winkers in South Bucks, with 2,677 votes. The Chalfont St Peter hotspot is defined by its farmyard location, outdoor BBQ area and free shuttle bus, escorting everyone from those who’ve just turned 18 to mums on a mad one to its dancefloor. Elliot Lewis, a big fan of Winkers, is more than happy with this victory.

He told The Tab: “I’m proud to call Winkers my hometown nightclub – we’ve finally put it on the map. Being tragic I should probably tell you of the inadequacy or sorriness of the club, but the fact of the matter is this gem of a nightclub is the reason I am the person I am today and why I want the Macarena to play at my funeral. When you’re in the club it’s like you’re at a house party with a bar. It’s a mecha for the South Bucks social elite, a dive for those wanting to have a quality night out and a sanctuary to bond with your mates on double vodka cokes. You’re missing out if you haven’t been.”

If you were wondering, here’s where the rest of the tragic hometown clubs came:

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