Which is the best poly?

Enough is said about the Russell Group universities, now it’s time to shine some light on the ex-polys. They all have their own charm as much as any uni, whether it’s a fondness for VKs or a love of snow-sports, but which is the best? Only one can come away with the crown.

Anglia Ruskin

Those 13th century buildings look nice in the prospectuses, but I bet the gown-ies have to wear their Harry Potter garb to bed to keep them warm. And sure, Harry Potter is a cool look when you’re in your teens, but I’d rather rinse the charity shops on Mill Road, thanks: they’re brilliant. We get the best of both worlds: we live in a student bubble, but we’re also close to the train station and can hop into London for impromptu nights out (while the nerds are probably doing their homework in the common room). And we have way more time to go out because we’re not holed up in labs staring at things no one who isn’t a virgin has ever cared about.

This means we own the Cindies dance floor – and stay out off the Regal: it’s our turf. Our pubs aren’t full of tourists taking pictures of us – which means they’re cheaper, and have more character. And at the end of our degrees, we have both a degree and a shot at surviving in the real world because we haven’t spent three years at what is basically an infantilising boarding school for losers.

BCU

Birmingham and Aston may laugh at us, they may gang up on Yik Yak and make “funny” jokes about how we spend our days colouring in and counting to 10. Let them get on with it. Let them have their fun. At the end of the day, they’re going to come out with a Business Degree from Aston like every other idiot who has no idea what to do with their life, or they’ll have spent three years of their lives socialising with the most boring, privately educated people on the planet. Who’s laughing now?

Bournemouth

It has a beach.

Brighton

It also has a beach.

UCLan

UCLan gets a bit of stick, but it’s completely unfair. We probably have more fun than anywhere else: we’re fit, we’re fun, and we have some of the best nightlife in the UK. While other unis are stuck wearing scruffy trainers to clubs and pretending to be edgy, we know the value of dressing up for a night out and going to a proper club. We have Evoque, we have Popworld, and most importantly… we have Andy Mac.

Napier

Edinburgh University is such an obvious name. The addition of Napier adds a little bite. You claim The Meadows – fine, if you like to hang out with a bunch of tourists – but we’re right next to the Merchants of Edinburgh golf club, which is where top Scots hone their game, preparing us for a life of easy retirement. While you’re slogging up and down that Royal Mile, we’re in Morningside – which is much nicer – and we don’t have to touch those bloody festival groupies. We’re far enough from the action but not so far that we can’t jump on a bus and get into the Hive or Cab Vol. And it’s not full of English people. Result.

Robert Gordon

RGU RGwho? Forget our impressive employment rates of graduates and our brand new campus next to the River Dee, what other uni can proudly say they broke Donald trump’s heart by stripping him of a doctorate?

DMU

Everyone knows that DMU’s a good poly, as they go. And we obviously win for style hands-down: after all, where else can you study “contour fashion”, “footwear design”’ and “lingerie”?

UEL

Just because no one’s heard of us doesn’t mean we’re not the best.

Herts

What’s the opposite of the jewel in the crown? The Luton arm of the Uni of Hertfordshire surely wins the title of the ugliest uni of them all, and thus it deserves to sit on top of the poly pile – and not just because no-one else has Batchwood. Sure, people may turn their nose up at the fact you go to uni in fucking Hatfield, but they’ve probably just never been to the Forum. Cheeky Wednesday? Don’t mind if I do.

Beckett

If you’ve never tasted a warm VK on the Pryzm dancefloor, or felt the cold rain on your face in the stands of Headingley as you chant that you’d rather be a poly than a cunt, then you’ve never lived. The Beckett boy is a living, breathing embodiment of all the best parts of poly life, a beast who can stand in the Space smoking area strawpedo-ing a bottle of cava with one hand while successfully Tinder chirpsing a fresher from Uni of with the other. The name may have changed, but Beckett’s mentality will always be the same: uni isn’t about work –  it’s about girls, pints and parties.

JMU

Can someone tell Uni of to pipe the fuck down please. They think they’re too good for the Cool It! nights because they’re all “edgy” and would rather go to some lame house party on Smithdown. Sure, they may beat us at Varsity occasionally but that’s pretty much all they’ve got.

London Met

Surely being the “worst uni in the UK” makes us the best poly? Anyway, even the big dogs love us.

Man Met

They’re just two minutes down the road from Manchester uni, go to all the same nights and will eventually moved to Fallowfield – they’re the cooler, funner little sister. Just as vibsey, but more fun to go out with. There more easy going, take themselves less seriously and go out more. Sure, the unis not bad, but the nightlife is what makes Man Met what it is.

Northumbria

If there’s one thing Northumbria students are known for, it is being loose as fuck. The home of three trebles for a fiver and £1 jagerbombs, Newcastle is cheap and this means you can go on a mad one every night of the week. And you really can, the clubs are even open on Sunday nights (thank you, Persistence Sunday at Tup Tup). There’s something for everyone, whether you want to listen to the latest house and techno at cosmic, some soul at World Headquarters or bop along to Bieber in Bijoux. 

Trent

There are three key ingredients to Trent: beer, banter, and a hell of a lot of fancy dress. Who are the wetters over at Nottingham starting their predrinks at 9pm? Here at Trent, we do things right. Pres at 6, in Bluebells by half 8 at the LATEST, then onto Cucs and Bunker before the mighty Ocean where the VKs are flowing. But Trent’s legacy goes a lot further than Nottingham city centre, we shit all over every other poly in the UK. Who the fuck’s heard of Hertfordshire anyway? Trent is practically synonymous with “all the fun… ever”.

Brookes

Being at Brookes means you’re the best of town and gown: the chances are you’re beautiful, you’re fun, and (whisper it quietly), actually quite intelligent. When it comes to Fuzzy Ducks, the UK’s steamiest night, you run the joint. The Headington campus is swish as fuck. Did we mention you’re beautiful? And let’s not forget that unlike the speccy dorks you share Oxford with, you’re normal enough to know that life on the Cowley Road isn’t ‘gritty’ – living a stone’s throw from an organic cafe is not comparable to the squats of 1990s Kreuzberg.

Plymouth

You might get a bit of stick from Exeter, but you’re safe in the knowledge that Plymouth is 100 times better. While they’re leaving the club at 2am closing time, you’re still finishing up the first round at Revs, and you know you’ll be out having a good time until around 6am, when you’ll pop into breakfast at Goodbody’s. You know they’re just jel.

Sheffield Hallam

So what we love Corp? So what our cheerleaders embarrassed the entire university during the halftime interval at the Varsity Ice Hockey. We wish Uni Of could see the funny side of these things, but they can’t because their heads are too far up their own arses.

Staffordshire

Who wouldn’t want to be in the heart of the midlands, trains to Birmingham so often you may as well be in the second biggest city. A good night out might consist of a trip to Spoons in a theatre and then getting raving drunk at Couture but so what, at least we aren’t Wolverhampton.

UWE

At UWE, you get all of the perks of the amazing city of Bristol, but without the pressure of going to UoB. It’s a fact that UWE students are fitter, more fun and all-round better than their UoB counterparts, and you’ll find them chilling in Stokes Croft. UWE has less unbearably posh twats, more diversity, a far better union and, of course, Ahmd Emara.

USW

When Shotgun Rules moved from Revs to Tiger you were devastated. Almost as devastated as you were when the decision was made to press the reset button and rebrand. The University of Glamorgan was, well, a bit shit. But it’s alright because the University of South Wales sounds grandiose and, well, a little less shit. In truth, USW is not the best poly.

Ulster

It could be worse – we could be at Belfast Met.

University of West London

Full disclosure: the University of West London is on the same street I live on. Like all the buildings and shit, they’re five minutes away from the house I’ve lived in for twenty years. I walk past the University of West London almost every day. Do I have any idea what goes in there? Do I fuck. Something to do with catering I think, at least that’s what my Mum always says, slight approval in her voice: “It’s a poly, but they have a very good catering course.” God damn, if that doesn’t convince you it’s the best poly than nothing will.

Written by Daisy Bernard, Bobby Palmer, Bella Eckert, Orhan Ahmed, Lauren Raine, Craig O’ Callaghan, Will Lloyd, Oli Dugmore,  Cloe Fernandez-Barnes, Ben Clarke.