Which Leonardo DiCaprio role is your uni?
He’s the king of the world
From fighting off bears in the wilderness to sailing on the world’s unluckiest ship, Leo has had a lot of roles in his lifetime.
He’s just won the BAFTA, and it looks like this year is his best chance of an Oscar yet – so we had a timely look through Mr DiCaprio’s back catalogue to see just how the unis of the UK would fit.
Oxford/Cambridge – The Man in the Iron Mask
Oxford are the pompous arseholes who would probably give rotten food to the poor, while Cambridge are much more at home locked in their tower reading and pontificating. They’re both pretty, they’re both the king – and they’re both about as boring as a two-and-a-half hour film about the French monarchy.
Manchester – The Aviator
One too many house parties might leave you a little worse for wear, shuffling round Fallowfield in a smoking jacket taking retro pics on an old Polaroid. A mental breakdown is probably on the horizon, but until then bask in your fame as the most eccentric uni in the North.
Leeds – The Beach
Ask the Leeds student what their ideal life is and they’ll probably say they’d want to decamp to Ko Phi Phi with a field full of narcotics and a couple of topless French swingers. When the initial oasis-like allure has been ruined by too many tasteful Insta shots, your degree will descend into such chaos that you’d rather be attacked by a shark than spend another day in the Laidlaw.
Liverpool – Gangs of New York
When you have both Liverpool and JMU in the same city, you haven’t got a gang – you’ve got an army. Is it any surprise Concert Square is a bloodbath at 3AM on a Saturday morning?
Birmingham – Blood Diamond
Where is the diamond? Probably in the Jewellery Quarter. In all seriousness though, no-one has an accent like that.
Loughborough – Catch Me If You Can
This is what you shout during every BUCS you inevitably win. Shame dressing up like a pilot is the best shot you’re going to have at a real job after graduating from Loughborough.
St Andrews – Titanic
It might seem like a forward thinking institution, but everyone knows St Andrews is a sinking ship wishing it was in America. It’s really difficult to notice social problems when you’re always at a fancy ball in first class, but you’re forced to confront them when your Canada Goose is stolen and you’re left to freeze in the Atlantic. At least there’s always a transcending love story – Wills and Kate probably practiced spitting off things too.
UCL – The Wolf of Wall Street
Money, money, money. You live it, you breathe it, and at the end of your course you’ll be earning a fucking lot of it. A night at Loop often looks like the “cerebral palsy phase” of a Quaalude binge, and your dad definitely has enough money to buy you a helicopter to crash.
Durham – The Great Gatsby
The elitist parties in old buildings full of books and port may look nice, but underneath the glamour there’s a constant longing for something more. Judged by the persistent gaze of ex-VC Higgins, will you ever escape the dusty wasteland of the hill to the upper echelons of Bailey society? The green light of Greenwich symbolises your eventual move to London, where you can drive all the fast cars you want before relaxing safe and sound in your private pool.
Imperial – Django Unchained
Entitled, well educated white men residing in the fourth biggest plantation in Missouri – sorry, the fourth best uni in the UK. You’re a bit outdated to say the least, but who cares about the haters when you’re sitting by a warm fire with a cold mint julep.
Bristol – Inception
Is it just me or did the walls just fold into each other? And where did that train come from? You’ve got no idea what’s real and what’s not anymore, seeing as you’ve spent the last few days inside a trip within a trip within a trip. It’s only a matter of time before the second acid tab kicks in and you end up in limbo with the buildings crumbling around you.
Exeter – The Basketball Diaries
Just like this self-proclaimed New York legend, you love sports, taking things a bit too far with intoxicants, and trying hard to be BNOC of the year. Heading down to Cellar Door to show how fit, cool and edgy you are might be normal in Exeter, but to the outside world you look like degenerate youngsters. The scene of Leo being spanked on all fours also looks strangely like something from the SSB.
Aberdeen – The Revenant
Despite it being inhospitably cold and isolated, you’re proud to understand each other’s native accents (even if no-one else can). Buckfast is your grizzly bear: it might tear you apart but you still manage to come back fighting. Also it’s about time you had your throat looked at – think you’ve been smoking too much.
Edinburgh – J. Edgar
There’s just something controversial about you – you might be a powerful figurehead but being so obsessed with America is slightly sinister. You’d probably create an FBI just to spy on St Andrew’s balls, but they aren’t a threat to you. They’ll always be your Nixon, afraid to fire you in case you write a cruel reprisal. Again.
Belfast – Shutter Island
You’re more than a little bit nuts, so it’s probably a good thing you’re trapped on a windswept rock in the middle of the ocean. You can blame the seasickness or the chemicals in your cigarettes, but we all know you just had a mad one at Limelight.
York – Revolutionary Road
Stuffy, intellectual, with a no-doubt Oscar-worthy academic performance – you could just do with being a bit more… fun. After all, no-one wants to spend a night in Kuda with a tearful typewriter salesman.
King’s – What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
You spend most of your time being cared for/patronised by your older brother UCL, or struggling with the burden of the great bloated mother that is the city of London. Who cares, you’re just content to live a simple life laughing at the name of the Dickson Poon.
Nottingham – Body of Lies
A very middle-of-the-road action flick, you’re never anyone’s favourite and you’re very often forgotten. Plus one too many VKs in Ocean will definitely leave you slurring your words like Russell Crowe.
Trent – Critters 3
I mean, it’s not going to win any prizes for intellectual merit – but it’s all just a bit of good, messy, mostly harmless fun. The 3 stands for third choice, by the way.
Sheffield – The Departed
Much like Billy Costigan is a cop deep undercover as a mobster, Sheffield is a mainstream uni trying to sneak into the edgy league. Careful: when the Jack Nicholsons and Matt Damons of Manchester and Leeds smell a rat, they won’t take your love of Popworld lightly.
Newcastle – Romeo + Juliet
Highlighted bangs? Check. Oversized flowery shirts? Check. Sneaking into a Northumbria house party and going home with the competition? Double check, although you won’t admit it. Just make sure your parents/the Jesmond police don’t find out what you’re doing, or they’ll put a stop to the whole thing.
Royal Holloway – The Oscar
Where is that again?